We both lay in bed hours after we turned off the lights.
“I just can’t stop thinking about it” my voice pierces the
silence. I knew Jesse was awake too.
“Ya, me neither”.
Earlier that day we had taken our two year old and 5 month
old baby to a castle ruin on the coast. Most of the time our kids safely tucked
into carriers and strapped to our bodies. After some exploring, me and Jesse
were talking about how ‘unsafe’ the entire place was, although a frequented
tourist destination, there were no western rails or safety signs, just deathly heights
and crumbling walls. Jesse told me he found a wide hole in the ground of the
stone, dropping hundreds of feet, that opened up to an impossible large dark
cavern underneath our feet. He said just standing near it freaked him out a
little because that huge deathly expanse and us was separated by a floor of 2
thousand year old weatherws stone.
A little later we were in a courtyard we let 2 year old Soren
out of the carrier to stretch his legs, the baby still attached to my torso.
Soren begins a gleeful toddler run away from us,
in the span of 5 seconds…
Jesse’s anxious voice says, “Andrea,
the hole”. I can see Soren’s feet move impossibly fast, and from my vantage point
the huge hole in the stone about 15 feet in front. “STOP SOREN” I command, my usually
obedient toddler, just picks up his pace, his feet flying over uneven
cobblestone. I do the math in my head, with a baby on my
torso, I will not reach him in time, By brain decided on a course of action instinctively,
My son will die if I don’t make him trip.
My emotions, soul, and mouth
responding immediately in the most haunting grief filled scream I have ever
heard “SOREN”. The worry, fear, and utter terror in my voice was like a
thunderbolt. Soren immediately is so terrified, he falls to the ground and
begins to wail. I make it to him and scoop him up, He clings to me sobbing and
terrified. I cling to him sobbing and terrified.
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That was two years ago. I remember the journey of my heart and mind that night as I lay in bed, unable to sleep, anxiety teased my every thought. “He almost died”. The heart literally hurt from realized vulnerability. That night I learned something.
Anxiety is a cage of
fear whose bars we dare not touch.
Our inability to touch fear and grief, to approach
it, is the only thing that gives the cage its power. If we touch it, in the
Power of the Holy Spirit, the cage, the anxiety evaporates. But usually, we walk in circles in the middle
of the cage driving ourselves mad with ‘What if’ in the abstract realm that
borders on insanity.
I turn my thoughts turn towards God. He says “be Brave, step
to the edge, touch the fear”
Terrified, I picture Soren’s lifeless body. I let the wave of grief wash over me,
Pain. Sorrow. Grief.
Pain. Sorrow. Grief.
then peace fills my heart. I exhale. “And if I lose him,
God, you are still Good.”
And I am free.
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Two years Later. Another gift Given, another perfect baby, another
vulnerability, another chance at idolatry.
This time it was a dream...
Watching Logan’s little body disappear beneath Dark water. “He is gone”
I say out loud in the dream. Then I wake up.
I lay in bed for an hour. I
cannot go there. Instead I keep
trying to re-write the dream. If I was less distracted and he never fell in, I
dive in find him and give him baby CPR…the re-writes are lifeless, the real dream's
reality crashes against me.
Make a plan, Control it.
"We will not be going near water
this summer" I rage.
“Go There” God says to me.
but there are so many fears "there"...
but there are so many fears "there"...
I am afraid my faith will fail. In this rugged, untamed
country, “what if “something happens and my faith doesn't make it.
What if…
What if…
What if…
Stop. Touch the grief. ” If
I lose Logan…
I pause at the Alter.
“Are you still good?”
“Yes.” He replies.
I don’t know if I believe that today. My child is my Idol, I
use the gift to block the GIFT: I choose anxiety over trust, a cage over freedom, control over Real love. I
am trading God’s perfect love for my children for my imperfect selfish love,
because I think I know better, I doubt God’s goodness.
Jesus Christ have mercy on me, a sinner.
I can feel his mercy cover my doubts anyways.
