Scarcity

We are driving to McDonalds on a Thursday morning, our 4th get-together meeting in 24 hours. We went on an overnight road trip to our college town to connect with people before we go back to Eastern Europe in seven short weeks. We have our 3 year old, 1 1/2 year old and a 3 week old strapped down in the back seat.

Operating on three kids under three in 1 hotel room kind of sleep, I quickly run the numbers in my mind: "45 minutes till Soren needs a distracting fun activity, 75 minuets till our next meeting, 3 hours till everyone gets hungry, baby needs to nurse in 6 minutes, naptime meltdown in about 4 1/2 hours"

I say to Jesse : "I hate that we are 10 minutes late again."

What I meant: I hate that you misplaced the baby wipes and dishonored my pristine packing job and we are now late again!

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I sometimes wake up striving. I wake up believing there just isn't enough...

Not enough energy.

Not enough money.

Not enough time. 

this is called Scarcity

Scarcity: the fundamental economic problem of having seemingly unlimited human wants in a world of limited resources.

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I recently read Brene Brown's Gifts of Imperfection. It was pretty epic, I learned a ton. But one thing REALLY stuck with me. 

She talks about scarcity being the enemy of gratitude. 

Scarcity is the fear of not enough.

She quotes Lynne Twist...

“For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is "I didnt get enough sleep." The next one is "I don't have enough time." Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don't have enough of... Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we're already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we go to bed at night, our minds are racing with a litany of what we didn't get, or didn't get done, that day. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to that reverie of lack... This internal condition of scarcity, this mind-set of scarcity, lives at the very heart of our jealousies, our greed, our prejudice, and our arguments with life”

sound familiar?

Dwelling on scarcity makes  me crazy. it makes me controlling. It  makes me a stressed out mom and a snippy mean wife. What is Scarcity? This idol I sacrifice my joy and gratitude for? 

IT'S A LIE.

There is enough...

3His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 2 Peter 1

EVERYTHING WE NEED for a Godly life. Everything.  
If we don't have it...
then it's not what we need to live a godly life. 
There is always enough! 

"addressing scarcity does not mean looking for abundance, it means choosing a mindset of sufficiency...It isn't an amount at all, It's an experience, a context we generate, a declaration knowing there is enough, and that we are enough".

Could you imagine how differently I would approach life if I let this truth take hold in my heart. Could you imagine how my marriage would look if I wasn't trying to control my husband 'for the greater good'. I can, I have tried it. Choosing to believe and meditate on God's sufficiency is like Joy fairy dust. 

The baby starts screaming, and Xander wants more water, Jesse is asking where some random baby item is, Soren Pushes Xander, and I am sure we are late for something.  I can feel my heart start to beat faster...

 I stop. There is enough. 
God's grace is enough.
 I have joy. 
I have all the time and energy I need to lead a godly life.

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Choose Grace, Think Sufficiency, Spill Gratitude, Radiate Joy.

Right Brain

I recently saw a TED Talk about a woman who had a 'stroke of insight" watch it here. She was a brain scientist who studied how brains functioned in connection to reality. Then, she had a stroke. Experiencing this through the perspective of a scientist, she is able to describe physiologically what happened and how it had a profound impact on her spiritual awareness.

She speaks about the right side of the brain being COMPLETLY present. It is what connects our energy to reality of the created matter around us in ONLY the present moment, this is where creativity, emotions, and many other things come from. The left brain however is a huge storehouse of information about the past and synthesizes data for the future. It is compliantly logical and linier. It is what reminds you that you need to pick up eggs on the way home.

As she was having her stoke, her left brain would completely shut down for minuets at a time, she was in a euphoric state of energy, where she could not feel where her body ended and the world began, she thought only on the immediate present and the beauty around her. Intermittently he left brain would reload and she would realize she was having a stroke, feel out of sequence and know she needed help. She did get help, and eventually recovered with a huge spiritual respect for her right brain.( I do not believe she was a Christian, and I think her conclusion of almost deifying the right brain is ultimately the wrong spiritual and scientific conclusion, but part of her journey in 'left brain' dominated field of science to hopefully her finding the truth).

I was awed at how complex and beautiful our bodies are, how God made or minds. In my own spiritual journey right now God is teaching me a lot about what it means to truly live in the present. I have been reading older Church fathers and saints to balance out my very young and sheltered evangelical bents. Who knew the church didn't begin at the second great awakening? I have been very blessed by delving back into old school theologians and saints active closer to the time of the early church.

Specifically, I have really soaked up the truths and figures of the contemplative and incarnation traditions. The Contemplative tradition focuses on the inner life of our mind and soul in our Christian journey through prayer, meditation and worship. The Sacramental or Incarnation tradition remind us that every moment is sacred, miraculous and way to connect to God. That the baker of bread is as holy as the pastor. That acts become holy by our the intention of our hearts towards worship. Both of these disciplines were sorely lacking in my life until this season.

 I have also seen this theme in two books I have reread recently Brother Lawrence's Practicing the Presence of God, as well as Ann Voskamp's 1000 Gifts. Both these books and traditions are begging us to activate out right brain for the Glory of God. I am not suggesting that one side of the brain is more spiritual than the other, but that God gave us them both to reflect his glory.  
 

“That we need only to recognize GOD intimately present with us, to address ourselves to Him every moment, that we may beg His assistance for knowing His will in things doubtful, and for rightly performing those which we plainly see He requires of us, offering them to Him before we do them, and giving Him thanks when we have done.”
― Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God

 

“I want to see beauty. In the ugly, in the sink, in the suffering, in the daily, in all the days before I die, the moments before I sleep.”
― Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

  “Gratitude for the seemingly insignificant—a seed—this plants the giant miracle.”
― Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

 

I, personly, tend to hang out in my left brain. Always planning, synthesizing, judging, and thinking about the NEXT moment. I Find that my self-righteousness, legalism, and judgmental thoughts are often activate my left brain tendencies. I struggle with disciplines of meditation, quiet contemplation, and worship throughout the seemingly mundane moments of my very sacred life. When I stop thinking, planning, and plodding, When I soak up the moment of the now, of God's grace, of natures beauty, of the grass outside my kitchen window, the curl of my baby's hair, I realize...

 that moment is always there, Gods presence is always consuming, His beauty always ever-present, colors are always that vibrant, it only requires a unity of myself with the now. 

 

                                                                                  'right brain' Dre 2014

I was thinking how much God was trying to bless and teach me this season through art, music, and contemplation and living in the moment. I was thinking we as western Christians need to slow down and give God our whole minds, even when it is uncomfortable. Even when contemplation, rest and painting a picture for him SEEMS less urgent. I have found many a sacred moments while scrubbing pots lately. This should have been the loneliest, bland, and difficult seasons of my life so far, but here has been immense joy in the seemingly mundane.

Worship is in the NOW, gratitude is in the HERE. Glory is in this PLACE. Let us Renew our whole minds to Him. 

Fighting for Hope

As usual. There are simply too many emotions and thoughts to sort through to write a cohesive blog on what it feels like to re-enter the US after ministry overseas.

Of course everything is shiny and beautiful, there is so much food, money, and affluence, so many smiles, so much joy. America the Beautiful. We actually ease drop conversations at restaurants and parks, and people are talking about the goodness of God, discipleship and ministry.

Surreal. How can God be so seemingly present in one place, and so not present in another.

I was going flower shopping with my mom and it came out...

"Why does it feel like Satan is winning in Montenegro?"

There it is. It goes beyond Starbucks, southern hospitality, huge grocery stores...

the INJUSTICE runs much deeper than convenience and good coffee... Why is it not fair, why do we have churches and grace and transformed lives, and Montenegro has

 Hopelessness.

even deeper...

realizing that hopelessness has buried it's seeds deep inside of my own soul. 

The battle ground isn't just for the hearts of the Montenegrins, The evil one is fighting for my heart too.

Songs and verses about world missions that used to inspire, leave me numb, jaded and insecure. I find myself in the deep places, when I let my southern smile fades and I am being authentic, I feel two main emotions.

SHAME.

I have been learning a lot about shame lately. Me and a few of my girlfriends are working through this book by Brene Brown called "Gifts of Imperfection". She was a shame researcher has studied tons of people and stories. Basically if you don't own up to shame, It owns you. So through that I have been owning what I feel ashamed of. What I let Satan tell me, and what I choose to believe. I feel more shame in the last 2 years then my previous 25 years. This is a great quote to sum up my last two years...

."The belief that everything should be fun, fast, and easy is inconsistent with hopeful thinking. It also sets us up for hopelessness. When we experience something that is difficult and requires significant time and effort, we are quick to think, This is supposed to be easy; it’s not worth the effort, or, This should be easier: it’s only hard and slow because I’m not good at it." -Brene Brown

I see so much darkness and need in Montenegro, so much I am so powerless to change, and all I can see is Failure.  Shame. 

and

ANGER. (towards God)

I know this emotion often masks the others, so when I really dig deep the two words I feel towards God in those quiet places "tricked and abandoned". But it feels like anger.

I practice gratitude, I sing, I pray, I read scripture... But under the surface my relationship to my heavenly father figure is embittered with feelings of trickery and abandonment.

It is a cycle of hopelessness. I bury feelings of Shame and Anger under happier things. I numb them with happier feelings, allowing me to maintain a semblance of a personal relationship with God. But true healing is being wholehearted with God trusting Him with the pain. Only He can release me from the ANGER, and only He can speak against those feelings of SHAME.

But I am afraid of him. Trusting when I feel abandoned and tricked. Today I went on a walk, I barely and bravely squeaked it out before the star-kindler...

I feel Tricked, Angry, and Abandoned by you.

I want you to heal me, I want to trust you.

The shortest most authentic prayer I have prayed in a while.

I want to believe He has a purpose.

I want to believe He is mighty to save in Montenegro.

I want to believe He is completing a good work in me. 

I feel flashes of hope in my heart, that fade quickly, a taste of what it feel like to Hope.
 I want it to all be true. But for now that's all there is.

To all the mothers wondering why they are mothers.

I just wanted to share something I find, EXTREMELY encouraging.

First, if you don't know me, let me explain. 

I never really imagined having a family. You know those girls who daydream about weddings and babies, not me. I am more of a Laura Croft/Buffy the vampire slayer kind of daydreamer. When God told me to open my heart and the next week I fell in love with this amazing man, we knew our path was truly anointed. 

Then we got married, had sex, and had babies. 

That's how it works folks, One day your day dreaming about being the 'Tomb Raider' missionary to Cambodia, then you have these little things following you around, consuming every second, not even letting you pee alone. It's crazy insane. 

I have always felt like other mom's had this cherishing ability that I did not possess. I imagine them cooing over their babies all morning, playing peek-a-boo for hours. I honestly cannot even stomach peek-a-boo for over 20 seconds. I did not even read books to Soren for a year because He didn't speak english and his books are BORING. That's me. Mothering is not natural for me, children are inefficient, and sticky...I am selfish and I want time for myself. 

That is my inevitable plight. God has placed me in a roll I feel completely weak and incapable of doing. I think sometimes, He is just screwing with me, but in truth, He wants to show me His wonder in my weakness... let me tell you the miracle of the last few months. 

We recently made a change in our family that I was the primary home maker and stay at home mom, This was not a 'heart's desire' kind of decisions, I fought it the whole way, but God's will, and the fact I have been purchased by His blood and all... I finally relented.

The last 3 years of motherhood, have almost been a battle of the wills, My will, Soren's will, Xander's will, but finally I at least submitted to God's will. And I want to tell you God has changed my heart. I cry as I type these words, they sound so hallmark-y, but they run so deep. He has changed me from who I was. Obedience has produced a new spirit in me. I am not sure when exactly it happened, but I LOVE being a mother, more than that...

I can feel God's love for my children flow through me. 

I will tell you the moment i realized it.

Xander has croup and has been barking like a seal for about a day. Jesse had already gone to bed and I hear Xander in his crib and cannot stop coughing. So I put on my thick slippers, wrap him up in a huge blanket. I cuddle the groggy little baby seal and we sit on the porch in the rain. I am singing and rubbing his back as the cool mist of the rainy night air fills his lungs and soothes his cough. 

An overwhelming joy for the moment fills my heart. He is so precious and the rain is so beautiful, and I GET TO sooth his cough, His baby hand on my shoulder are so precious, his wide eyes drinking me in are so beautiful...I begin to pray for the man he will be and praise God for the opportunity to be his mother...

I have been changed.

 This doesn't change much, I still need to devote most of my time to the basic needs of my kids, it is still often overwhelming, death of self will always be death, but it also changes everything, He has turned my heart of stone into soft flesh, fused me with contentment inside of death.

It changes everything, it changes me.

I love this past midnight moment, sitting in the cold, not sleeping...I have changed.

This is not me. This is God. This is not the natural love of a mother, I have felt that as well, this is a growing divine love inside my heart that God has for Xander. It will never tire or run dry, and I get to be the channel of that love.  

How Miraculous. God can change me! He can redeem my selfish desert soul and bless others. I can be an instrument for His peace, I can be an arbiter of His lover, a painter of His beauty. 

I cannot tell you when or how He does it. All I know is it is a change born between obedience and gratitude. I know it is all consuming. I know now I can be anything God calls me to be. I might be to my own children, or a ministry to street kids in the future, He can give me divine love, He can change my heart and all he requires if that I give him mine.

How miraculous.

bearing fruit...

Fruit bearing is kind of a big deal to Jesus. He talks about it all the time, grape vines, soil, grafting, lots of fruit stuff. He even curses a fig tree for not producing fruit, this is serious business.

                                                                             Andrea 2013

As I read through the plight of God's chosen, the Old testament offers an entirely new concept on fruit that never occurred to me before. The entire Jewish community was agrarian, when they had a bad year, they starved, they simply didn't cancel their cable and eat out less. their 'blessing' referred to food and child bearing. But every 7th year, they were commanded to leave the fields for an entire year! They could not touch, work or harvest anything for an entire year! I only garden for fun, and this would drive me insane.

All that beautiful fruit, sitting on the trees uneaten, all those grapes, rotting on the vines. 

This image horrifies me. HOW INEFFICIENT.

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I see two concepts here that I often forget. 

Missionaries have this really heretical problem, referring to 'fruit' as more people who have converted to Christianity or some other tangible thing. It makes us feel good, makes us feel productive, like all the effort and money are going somewhere. Moms like this too, we like all our effort, all out shoe-tying and meal planning to go somewhere. As a missionary mom, I see two misconceptions I allow my mind to fall into...

Misconception #1 - We produce tangible results.

I personally like to produce things, so the biblical concept of fruit bearing and my obsession with being productive I often forget this fruit is the fruit of the spirit, not clean house, a well weeded garden, healthy meal plan, or even new believers in our ministry.This fruit, this primary command of followers of Christ is only to bear the fruit of the Spirit. Not the 'fruits of the spirit' but one unified organic entity of love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, patience, and self-control. So...nothing that looks good on a chart, or can be programmed into our Google calendar. Nap times, rushed mornings, screaming children, selfish hearts, spaghetti on the floor. should my desire be to produce obedient children, order and cleanliness or a joyful heart amidst the life's inevitable mess?

"He is the vine and I am the branches, his banner over me is love."

Misconception #2 We are responsible for what happens to our fruit. 

What happens to all that fruit? Does patience and kindness at least result in my laundry getting done?  Are people encouraged by God's fruit I my life, do they now believe in Jesus? Does my life bring people closer to God? What is my responsibility WITH this fruit.

I believe the Sabbath year is teaching us that GOD not only produces the fruit, but is sovereign over harvest. That are Sabbath rest extends to trusting God with our 'life work' fully and completely.

Remember that fruit rotting on the vine? a command from the almighty! Sometimes the fruit will be visible, sometimes it will turn into beautiful food for someone, sometimes it will be a part of a greater recipe, sometimes it will give life fulfilling nourishment to others. BUT Sometimes it will just sit on the tree. Sometimes it will fall off and rot on the ground, sometimes it will go unnoticed decomposing in the summer heat. 

Horrifying and beautiful.

 As mom, sometimes my life feels flat, after sweeping the kitchen for the 3rd time that day, I feel it is FRUITLESS, God whispers to me the fruit isn't the clean floor, or happy kids, it is my heart, what is my heart doing while I sweep? 

Sometimes, even our 'spiritual' fruit of a calm spirit and patient training seems to go nowhere. We must trust God with the harvest. Trust that even as our fruit sits on the branch untouched, then falls the ground and rots, it nourishes the soil, decomposing it's life giving elements back into the soil to produce even more fruit.

We are only to remain in the vine and to bear His Fruit.

Grateful

 My first art journal creation. This is a great medium for me because I love layering textures, being random, and it does not take as long as some pieces I have tried to just paint, their is room for a lot of reflection, worship, and mistakes. This was made from '1000 gifts list' from the last year, as well as a  few verses, and representations of hardships this last year, for which I am learning to take the blessings with the curses, for it is all the goodness of God, and recognizing that brings me joy. here are some thoughts and verses I was thinking on while creating...

Every moment I am not consumed with gratitude of amazing grace, is a moment of carnal worship to one of my brazen idols...'selfishness', 'pride', 'clean house', 'efficiency' they have many names.But...

 “Those who regard vain idols
Forsake their own source of mercy,
⁹ But I will sacrifice to You
With the voice of thanksgiving.
That which I have vowed I will pay.
Salvation is from the Lord.”

I will not forsake my own source of mercy, I will not forsake your love Oh God, help me each second to truly see your raw goodness. That I may be like your Son...

who on His last free night before he died....

 ^3" kowing that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God..."

didn't give a speech, have a party, or celebrate his life...

 ...but washed  feet.

have me live the moments raining down, every tear, blade of grass, every smile as if they were my last moment of precious earth gift,

Being one with you, I would use that alabaster jar moment, to wash your feet, the feet of the least of your brothers and sisters, as unto you.