“Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

It's a rainy cold day here in the land of the black mountains.

Last week I was trying to find potted herb plants for the windowsill because i am basically a hobbit, and find great joy in growing things. So after successfully finding basil, lavender and rosemary, I notice fresh cut parsley was in great abundance at the open market. Me and Jesse spent about 5 minuets trying to ask a woman if they sold live parsley plants using words like 'ground' 'big' and acting out the most absurd things. I am pretty sure they were completely confused. They did hand eventually hand us a parsley with the bare root still attached, it was dead, it was obvious the root is used for cooking something. 

So we bought it anyways. 20 cent for their 10 minutes of trying to understand the crazy foreigners. When I got home, I don't know any recipes that call for parsley root, so we laughed and stuck the dead root in the soil anyways. 

This rainy cold morning I noticed the brightest green fresh leaves amidst the yellow straw like shoots. 

It was beautiful; not the power of nature, but the power of God. A stunning reminder of my position before the father. I am full of self, dead, dried out, and useless. He is fresh and faithful every new morning. He brings the dead to life, he awakens our comma like souls, He alone has victory over death.

“Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

Two Months: Jesse's Reflections

When Andrea and I visited with you all sharing about our future endeavor, we had more than a few people think we were crazy at the thought of taking a two year old and a newborn overseas.  Although those of you who are parents of two or more children had a better idea what we were getting ourselves into, we just smiled and nodded.  

Someone asked me at that time if I could describe my life in a picture, what would it look like.  I described a path leading into the woods just before the dawn. The sun was beginning to peak over the mountains but had yet to illuminate the wood, leaving it still in darkness.  I feel conflicting emotions as I was about to take a step into those woods.  On the one hand: fear.  Not the kind of fear that you might be eaten by wolves, but the subtle fear that comes from the unknown and the mysterious, not knowing exactly where this path leads when I have my wife by my side and two kids on our backs.  On the other hand: thrill, knowing that soon the sun will surely rise and light up the forest and the path and that this path will lead us past beauty that we would not have known otherwise.  Can you picture it?

At that time, we didn't know what we were in for, but we did know two things.  1) That God had called us.  Any of you who have ever been called by God to some undertaking, whether it be to start a ministry, a different career path, or just to spend time with someone who was lonely, you know that to not answer the call would mean at best a feeling of regret and wondering "what might have been if I were faithful" and at worst a failure to fulfill the calling to which we were created.  God called, so we responded.  And 2) that God is faithful to those who are called according to His purpose.  Remembering this part was a little more difficult.  Answering the call takes faith, true, but it takes greater faith when you step out of the boat and see the wind and the waves and remember that God is faithful.  This moment came to us about 5 hours into our 10.5 hour flight to Europe when Soren was flailing around in Andrea's arms screaming "Mommy!  Mommy! Mommy!" as she was trying to constrain him so he would fall asleep.  Andrea was crying too and we just looked at each other thinking, "What in the world are we doing?"

After two very difficult weeks of training in Holland, here we are, several months later, living in a strange place that we now call home and we realize that its true: we are crazy.  Life would be difficult with a two year-old and a newborn in the states but here it is even more difficult.  Xander was sick and we could not find the things we knew would make him better, we don't know how to talk to anybody at the grocery store, and we were trying to buy a car in a dishonest culture who would love nothing more that to rip off foreigners.  But in light of all that, something else is true as well: GOD IS FAITHFUL.  Xander got better with the help of some other American missionaries who have been living here awhile, we got an amazing car that was exactly what we were looking for with the help of some local friends, and we've learned to laugh as we eat the mystery meat we bought at the grocery store.  He has given us many  blessings, like so much natural beauty untouched by human hands on our doorstep, a little baby who smiles at us every time we look at him, and of course, new friends.  I love languages and would sometime study them as a hobby, so for me learning the language is as fun as it is practical.  We have a beautiful home and get along so well with our co-workers.  We are quickly making friendships with local believers and we love the community mentality of this part of the world.  All in all, we are very happy here.  This happiness is brought on by enjoying God's blessings.  But I have to admit, it's more than happiness, deeper.  It's joy and peace.  A joy and a peace that comes from a deep sense of fulfillment in what God has called us to.  I was meant for this.

Who Am I?

A lot of people don't know this, but when a girl, i was actually shy, timid and quite fearful. My mom says that around the age of eleven, almost overnight I became brave and confident, and it has been that way since.

Now I find myself in this completely alien culture and there is a bit of a lost feeling. From the moment I was born I have picked up millions of cues about the culture around me about how to express myself to those around me. Subtle things like posture, facial expressions, and the colors you choose to wear all mean something in your community and culture around you.

Now, at the age of 26, I have hit the reset button. I am reduced to an infant. I don't know how to communicate anything verbally, or even worse non verbally. If you ask me who I am I would genuinely tell you I am creative, intelligent and confident. It hit me my first day here...I have no reference of how to communicate those aspect of myself to those around me. What I project as creative in America, could look normal, or even quirky in Montenegro. Even confidence will look different here. If I smile at people while on a walk, they think I am making fun of them, If i compliment someone's child, i am bringing a curse on them. If everyone around you perceives your actions differently that what you intend, friendly, confident, artistic,  after a while are you really still that person?

I the midst of an overwhelmingly lost feeling, I can find my anchor in who my maker says that I am...loved, cherished, redeemed and beautiful.  With Christ I walk boldly, knowing he is guiding my steps. He has given me identity cannot be lost, stolen, misunderstood or misplaced, it is simply truth. The anchor of the cross binds me to grace that bears peace that transcends space, time, perceptions, or circumstances.

Chasing Daylight- Be Courageous and Act

I wanted to write about faith.

If without it, it is impossible to pleases God. it must be very important.

How can we even have faith without the need for faith. If my life was free from uncomfortable situations I would be very far from God! It seems God likes to keep me close, and thus likes to challenge my faith. Some faith stretches are small...

 W were out in the back playing with Soren and saw one of our neighbors and said "zdravo". This may seem casual enough, but meeting people is a huge deal to me and Jesse because sharing the Gospel in this culture come out of relationships! The woman spoke a few English words and we scrambled around trying to communicate for about 2 minuets. We are separated by a tall 5 foot fence to which we don't have a key to, and suddenly this woman say "bebe" and reaches out for me to hand her my 6 week old Xander over the gate! There was a half second hesitation, and then, "OK God, this near stranger on the other side of this fence has your baby, what are you going to do about that"

Of course we knew this culture loves children, literally cherishes them and crimes are NEVER committed against children here, it is unheard of  (they think the US is barbaric in the consistency of crimes against children), but handing that lady my kid was still stretching! She of course loves and kissed him and handed him back over a few minuets later!

Other faith stretches are harder. Like trusting God with myself. 

I am so weak, so useless, and sometimes so disgustingly sinful, I doubt Gods ability to work through me, or more often am afraid to act not knowing if it's His 'Perfect will'. Sometimes we act like we should wait on God for a word or calling, when really He wants us to have faith and lovingly act in the obvious calling he has for us. I am married, I have children, I don't need a special word from the lord, I need to in faith act out the Gospel in my marriage and family.  

1 Chronicles 28: ¹⁰ Consider now, for the Lord has chosen you to build a house for the sanctuary; be courageous and act.”

We had this verse as a team Devotional and someone pointed out the word house seemed strange, so later I did this word study in the Hebrew trying to divine a hidden meaning that would give me some deep spiritual insight on what our teams vision for ministry should be here. After a few minuets I could only get that the Hebrew word for house in this context means...drum roll please....house. 

God was like,"no hidden meaning my child, your home is a sanctuary, I made you specifically and perfectly to be where you are, until I lead you to more, be courageous, act, make, do, create your home as a sanctuary!"

We don't have to keep questioning God

He is with us

we need to be 

courageous and act!

Tossing a Wobbly and Missional Motherhood

Tossing a wobbly is how Australians say 'pitching a fit'. 

We are currently at our Global Orientation Conference in Holland. This is our last and final step before our new lives in Montenegro. 

As we entered the Meeting hall that morning, we are told that then entire day will be an intense cultural simulation day. We are given no information of what will happen that day except that we will be brought out of our comfort zone to learn more about ourselves before we experience  real stressful situations on the field. To make matters more interesting, our family of 4 was put on a team with 5 teenagers from Germany, and Jesse was assigned to be the team leader. 

The day was basically a full day of receiving a passport, applying for a visa, buying a ticket, as tumultuous travel, then arriving in a (simulated) aggressive Islamic country and being harshly questioned by authorities, then finally arriving in a host culture. 

This sounds harmless enough, but they make it as frustrating as possible, we were in small spaces for hours, I got peed on twice, luckily by my own children. They always called us to move while I was nursing Xander, he never got an uninterrupted meal and was quite cranky for his normal jovial self. We arrived in our host culture, it was 3:45 and the babies had not had a nap. It sucked. We were challenged to communicate with people who did not speak a word of English, my children however were both tossing wobblies! forget learning a greeting in a new language, we were trying to keep Soren from choking as he kicked and screamed and threw precious cultural statues around the room. Needless to say I was intensely frustrated. 

After we put the kids in bed, then it was my turn to toss a wobbly, I went on a 5 minuet tirade about how frustrating the day was and how it did not accomplish the kind of  'intuitive self reflection' they were aiming for!  I said "what did I learn about myself? that traveling with kids sucks, I did not need that reminder!" We will never be in that over dramatic situation so why did they do this to me!

If I am perfectly honest, even in my frustration God was showing me a VERY IMPORTANT truth I will never forget! 

I have had an interesting question on my mind about how to balance ministry life with Montenegrins and ministry life with my family. When I decided to be a missionary I was single, now I have precious family that take a majority of our time. When was praying to God last year that he would show me what role I was to play overseas, I found out i was pregnant the next day.  God wants my first ministry to himself, next to Jesse, then my children, AND THEN the Montenegrins. Although this hierarchy has been set and confirmed over and over through prayers, i still have no idea what it will actually look like.

So here is the obvious but important truth as I strive to achieve balance for Gods will for my life and ministry:

I cannot focus on others until my families spiritual, physical, and emotional needs are met.

The image of me trying to learn the Tunisian word for 'thank you' as Soren is screaming in my arms is the perfect illustration of his physical need for sleep taking precedent over anything else. But I also cannot neglect their spiritual and emotional needs, or Jesse, who's wobbly tossing is much more subtle.

Balance: with all this I must rely on the Holy Spirit to guide my actions. I could easily hide behind my role as a wife and mother to stay in my comfort zone. I could ignore a frustrating situation He is calling me to under the umbrella of my families needs. While I am their mother, they belong fully to Jesus and I must entrust everything to Him, from diaper rash, to the Spiritual condition of their hearts.

 God, your faithfulness is exciting. I am made knew by the work You are doing in my life as You continually changes my roles and priorities, Mostly i am excited because i know when we are obedient and have faith in the midst of the unknown, miracles happen. I don't know what you are going to do in the lives to the people of Montenegro through my ministry as a wife and mother,  all i know is you are marvelous and powerful and delight in demonstrating your glory through an obedient heart!

One Sided Romance

After doing a 4 year intense study of the Bible, Richard Foster was asked what was the core message of scripture, he answered...

"God is saying: I want to be with you, do you want to be with me?"

We have been at the conference for a few days now, and I have been asking God to reveal things about myself as we embark on this huge transition. I was up feeding the baby then laying in bed praying because sleep eluded my jet-lagged self.  It occurred to me in the stillness of my boys sleeping around me that my life is full. A soon to be two year old, a 1 month old that eats every 3 hours, a husband and around 12 diapers a day, adds up to a wonderfully full life. 

As i was praying i was realizing how easy it would be to completely ignore the giver of life. To let small blessings pass me by, to be unaware of God's love towards me. Could I be inside the most epic one sided romance? Do I overlook the million ways he tries to connect and woo me with that still small voice. Then a the popular book 'One Thousand Gifts' came to mind, the book is written by a mother of 7 kids who was constantly burned out in her faith. The book is about this woman finding  a heart of thanksgiving amidst life. She does this simply by recognizing God in her life, and writes them down, a journal of short praises, turning into a life song of 1000 gifts.

She connects this with the concept of 'Eucharisto" in the new testament. Before every miracle Jesus performed, he first gave thanks to the father.  Through thanksgiving, we are filled with His spirit and power, a supernatural transformation of the heart and supernatural  outflow of the Holy Spirit. The act of thanksgiving is Eucharisto. So in the spirit of that, and in asking God the question, God realistically can i know you in the midst of Life, he simply answers: "notice my love". 

a meager beginning to my own 1000 gifts...

1.  Corn fields in Holland

2. blue puppies on toilette paper

3. Soren's  'I just woke up' face

4. tiny feet

5. Being giddy about God

6. 250 new workers for the harvest

7. hot tea on a cool morning

8. baby lips

9. 45 minuet cuddle sleep with Soren

10. Watching my husband pray

11. Pile of goat poop

12. old hymns

13. "bunnies and goats"

........................