Foolishness

Obedience has brought me a place of need, need brought me to my savior. This season of my life has been so spiritually rich, in some ways poor, but rich in the only ways that matter.

God's mercy has continued to show me for myself, layers apron layers of sin. He is always there to hold me through the tears, and to comfort in the grief of loosing oneself, and always guiding me to hope in Him. 

Recently God has layed bare another aspect of self I wasn't even aware I had not subjected to Him. 

My mind.

Sometime last month, I began to see that the life of MY MIND did not yield the fruits of the spirit that God had blessed other parts of my life. After spending any amount of time in my brain, is saw greed, impatience, and abrasiveness. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. James 3:17

I asked God to show me why. This is what I observed...

The life of my mind is a world all its own. I have been building this world for 26 years. I think, I reason, I frame arguments, I build, I deconstruct lies, and conclude. I store information, experience, and knowledge. This is my mind. It is a world almost isolated BY reason and understanding.  God's truth, word, and character are allowed access into my brain in the form of information. As if they are given a 'hearing' in a court case. 

But. My mind is its own master. 

 I guard my precious and long formed conclusions and my experiences with the ferocity of a dragon sitting on useless treasure. I build  identity in KNOWING things, in UNDERSTANDING theology, in EXPERIENTIAL WISDOM. I try and use it to serve God, but make no mistake, it belongs to me.

 

An example...

 would be if someone comments on the 'collective Church', and what it means to be evangelical. About 100 different triggers go off in my mind, experience I have had overseas, discussions with catholic, orthodox, and protestant friends, articles I have read, Bible verses, classes I have taken, books I have read. 

OR

A pregnant woman says she is looking into making her home more organic and natural before her baby comes and asks my advice. AGAIN, my brain would think of 100 things to say, books to suggest, blogs to tell her about, even scripture that I find particularly encouraging to me. 

This is true of almost every interaction with everything and everyone. It is kind of a big deal.

I stand on all these things, information, knowledge and experience like they are ME, like they make my VOICE worth something. Like they give me a meager standing amongst others. ISN'T this who I am GOD?

NO. I am redeemed. I am loved. I am forgiven.

HE is WISDOM. 

HE used foolishness. 

He shames the wise. 

If you think this is an exaggeration, it's not. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 1 Corinthians 1:27 I remember passing over these verses thinking they applied to atheist who were trying to push evolution in schools or something. They apply to my wisdom. Just like my righteousness, it's all filthy rags.

So I now have a choice. Do I give my mind to God?  Do I become foolish or keep my rags of experience, knowledge and wisdom? Life or death? freedom or control.

I will be foolish. I claim to know nothing except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 

What does it mean to give my mind to him? I think I will be spending the next 50 years figuring that out. For now it means not standing on my own wisdom. I means NOT valuing my experience, it means not opening my mouth because I think I KNOW something. But taking CAPTIVE EVERY THOUGHT and submitting myself to God.  

I have tried to practice this the last 2 weeks. It is utterly shameful to see HOW often I display the fruit of my mind, rather than the fruit of HIS SPIRIT. 

Usually I am waiting for someone to stop talking, so I can say something back. Now they stop talking, I stare, the silence is so awkward. What else can I do but say "Can I pray for you then?" So awkward. I am becoming that person. It even feels foolish, Feels like surrender. Eventually maybe it will feel like TRUE wisdom.

HE used foolishness. 

He shames the wise. 

 

Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.

Psalm 51:6 

"Hello my name is Andrea, I am a missionary and a former Christian music hater"

Hate describes my feelings toward Christian music quite well, the only thing my college roommate Kate could play to get me awake in the morning was playing christian music about 6 feet away from my bed, so to end the torture of Micheal W. Smith, I had to get out of bed. 

I dont know if it was a all a spiritual thing, or just hating the LAMENESS or just not being able to stomach lines like 'safe and fun for the whole family' (Don't these people read Lewis, He isn't safe, but He is good.)

Then something changed...

I am in spiritual rehab. seriously. after a major bout of repentance.

My addiction was self-righteousness and when I don't get my fix, I get the shakes. the source I used to draw power on is not there. I need real righteousness, a righteousness that ONLY comes through faith in God.

I started thirsting, I mean really getting thirsty for truth, for God's word, for anything God-related. But life happens (and winter) and sometimes being a mother, a wife, and a missionary means I don't have the hours to frolic in fields like I used too.

 THEN...God miraculously freed me from my hate of Christian music. I LOVE the stuff now. What used to be the shower is now the holy of holies, cooking dinner can become a worship fest. I need God's word, His grace. His truth multiple times a day.

Don't get me wrong, some stuff leaves me rolling my eyes, but there are some amazing artist out there! So far, I like Addison Road, Gungor, Jennifer Lee Riddle,  Misty Edwards, Nicole Nordeman, Ceadmond's Call, Kari Jobe, Rend Collective, ...and of course some LeCrae. 
 I am new at this please  any other suggestions, please message me?

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/people-songs-opus-1-collective/id515368274

Epic faith fails...so it's not just me.

God: "Abraham, I am going to make you the father of many nations"

Abraham: "naah, my wife is too old"

God: "Moses, You will lead my people out of Israel"

Moses: "You must be mistaken, I don't talk to good"

God "Gideon, rally the Israelites and i will give you victory in battle"

Gideon: Ya, I know you created the universe and all, but I am going to need a sign.

...supernatural sign complete...

Gideon: "Ya I am going to need another sign"

Jesus:" I am going to die and be raised up in three days"

Apostles: "why did the guy we thought was the messiah just die"

God: " My divine power has given us everything  you  need for life and godliness through your knowledge of ME " and "I work everything to the good of those who love me, who are called according to my purpose"

Andrea: "__insert constant lame excuses, failures, and worries here____"

Sometimes I just don't get it... I work for the guy who created everything.

 

  15He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.16For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things have been created through Him and for Him.17He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.18He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything.19For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him,20and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven.   Colossians 1

Life of PI:"what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

At one point a seeker is told that this story “will make you believe in God". However the story is brilliant because it will reveal to someone what they already believe...
 

See HERE for full plot summary. Basically the entire story is about a boy surviving in a lifeboat with a tiger. After weeks at sea and a journey to a floating island, he is rescued. The people recording his amazing story are unhappy with HOW fantastic his experience was and ask for another story: "one that won't make them look like fools" OR "A Story that only has things which they have already experienced" So PI tells another story that allegorizes the first story, turning a fantastical story of mystery into one of cannibalism, murder, and human depravity, a believable story.

As PI recounts this entire experience he is asked, "which story do you prefer" to which the man replies, the TIGER story. PI then says "So it is with God".

This line has many interpretations. The movie was brilliant because it reveals our philosophical assumptions without us even knowing it. It juxtaposes rational naturalism with faith. 

(I do not say Faith vs. Reason because that was not what the story was about. BOTH stories were equally possible and had the same AMOUNT of evidence. The difference was needing to believe what we have experienced through the empirical world (naturalism which leads to hedonism) or  suspending our belief into include things we have not seen or experienced (faith).

It was so interesting to read reviews. Most reviews and discussion boards I read were full of people never even considering that the TIGER story was true. People just KNEW it was a physiological defense mechanism for the brutality reality of the second story. They never even knew they were assuming, or that they had a philosophical bent, they never stopped to consider that both stories were neutral in evidence.  We have been raised in this naturalistic paradigm. We cannot let go of the need to control and understand the world around us. This is the world to which the Son of God appeared. He healed, he loved, he fulfilled prophecies, but the response to Him was not faith, but a demand for more miracles. 

So it is with us. 

Do you believe in the harsh reality that this world is all there is? That the natural world is the end of experience, and we may has well survive and seek pleasure till we die?

Or are we willing to suspend our belief into a world we cannot see or touch, and that we have never experienced?

More likely we are the Pharisee,  a nauseating hybrid, claiming religious devotion,  but continuing to demand the control of our own life. Demanding worldly evidence or an emotional experience of love at every turn or difficulty.

Jesus asked, "Will you never believe in me unless you see miraculous signs and wonders?" - John 4:48

Jesus said to him, “Because you have seen Me, have you believed?  Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed.”  John 20:24-29. 

A hidden kingdom is offered to those who have not seen, but choose to believe.

Lost it

The reason I began this blog is because I wanted to be real. I saw this great divide between 'missionaries' and the general follower of Christ. I am very uncomfortable with this because, well, I am the biggest most selfish sinner in need of grace, and I wanted an outlet to communicate that: 'me'. Because in communicating me, weak me, stupid me, God gets the Glory.

I read a few books before i came, about the life of missionaries, how hard it is, that most burn out. When I say burn out, I don't mean simply throw in the towel and move back to America. I mean they suffer irrevocable emotional damage and are never the same again. This knowledge combined with being new missionaries on a new mission field, I felt like my own social experiment, observing myself as a case study of how this burn out could happen and trying to regulate stress like a heart monitor. 

I fancy myself a very intuitive self aware individual, I often express emotions as soon as they are felt. This is the first time in my life, I don't have a 'handle' on it. 'Stress' would manifest itself in the most peculiar ways. One night I thought I had burnt dinner, and I burst into tears, another night I had raging nightmares that I couldn't escape. 

Too much. My life is too different, my babies are too needy, my marriage needs to much quality time, the weather is too cold, training my 2 year old is too demanding, too much poverty, daily chores are too inconvenient, my house it too cold, my groceries are too expensive, our newsletter is too empty, this culture is too alien, the church expects too much, my organization is too distant, the people's hearts are too hard, too too much. 

I Lost it. 

Lost what? 

control? I never really have had that to begin with. I lost remembering that I have NO CONTROL. I lost perspective. He is the God of these people, my kids, my marriage, and my identity. 

What if I don't have time to be a 'good missionary' what if people think we are failures because we need so much time for our family? too much time in prayer? What if we need more money? 

What if I am weak?...

"...Then I am strong."

I lost trying to please God instead of men. I lost being of God, instead i was 'doing' for God, forgetting that...

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness - 2 Peter 1:3

To Our Supporters..."You will be enriched in everything"

One of the cool things church planting and being supported by others, is that we have such a connection with the emotional pitch of the new testament. Lately i have felt a deep resonance  with the gratitude St. Paul feels towards his supporters in the new testament, his words and thankfulness to God resonate so deeply.  Here is one such passage...

10Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness; 11you will be enriched in everything for all liberality, which through us is producing thanksgiving to God. 12For the ministry of this service is not only fully supplying the needs of the saints, but is also overflowing through many thanksgivings to God. 13Because of the proof given by this ministry, they will glorify God for your obedience to your confession of the gospel of Christ and for the liberality of your contribution to them and to all, 14while they also, by prayer on your behalf, yearn for you because of the surpassing grace of God in you. 15Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!  2 Corinthians 9

Biblically, you share in our blessings, you are destined to be 'enriched in everything' and also 'causing overflowing thanksgivings to God". That WORD is SO TRUE..I also wanted to share with you the fruits of your prayers that have filled my heart with thanksgiving! I have shared a few of these, and some people have commented that it is so nice that God has shown up 'in the little things'. I can tell you from my heart that do not consider one of these things little. The creator of the Universe loves me make himself present when I need Him, how could that be little? Maybe it takes being here to understand how much we rely on God's mercy every morning for everything, and how faithful He is every morning. It is a beautiful position to be in.

When our car broke down and we have no extra income to pay for it...one of our family members in the states sent us a check. Praise be to Him!

We have enough money, because of people's generosity to eat every morning, noon, and dinner, praise be to HIM.

When i was trying to sew a sleeping bag so Xander would stay warm and my sewing machine needle broke and I cant find one to replace it...our neighbor who is not even a Christian gives us his sons old clothes including 2 sleeping bags, one for Soren, one for Xander. Praise be to Him.

When we wake up in the morning ...53 families and individuals in the states are sacrificing financially so that we can be here. Praise Be to Him!

After a long dark night, the sun rises over the mountains. Praise be to Him.

When we feel a bit worthless and stupid as we are learning the language...God provides a conversation, a relationship, a person that reminds us that he has a wonderful plan for us here. Praise be to Him. 

When the babies are time consuming and we wonder why God called us here with 2 young children...the babies open up peoples hearts and doors the way we could never imagine. Praise be to Him.

when we are weary...He gives us rest. Praise be to Him.

When i am half a world away from my family...I still got to skype with my 11 hour old nephew Collis. Praise be to Him. 

Your prayers and resources make a HUGE difference!

“Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

It's a rainy cold day here in the land of the black mountains.

Last week I was trying to find potted herb plants for the windowsill because i am basically a hobbit, and find great joy in growing things. So after successfully finding basil, lavender and rosemary, I notice fresh cut parsley was in great abundance at the open market. Me and Jesse spent about 5 minuets trying to ask a woman if they sold live parsley plants using words like 'ground' 'big' and acting out the most absurd things. I am pretty sure they were completely confused. They did hand eventually hand us a parsley with the bare root still attached, it was dead, it was obvious the root is used for cooking something. 

So we bought it anyways. 20 cent for their 10 minutes of trying to understand the crazy foreigners. When I got home, I don't know any recipes that call for parsley root, so we laughed and stuck the dead root in the soil anyways. 

This rainy cold morning I noticed the brightest green fresh leaves amidst the yellow straw like shoots. 

It was beautiful; not the power of nature, but the power of God. A stunning reminder of my position before the father. I am full of self, dead, dried out, and useless. He is fresh and faithful every new morning. He brings the dead to life, he awakens our comma like souls, He alone has victory over death.

“Death has been swallowed up in victory.”