Grateful

 My first art journal creation. This is a great medium for me because I love layering textures, being random, and it does not take as long as some pieces I have tried to just paint, their is room for a lot of reflection, worship, and mistakes. This was made from '1000 gifts list' from the last year, as well as a  few verses, and representations of hardships this last year, for which I am learning to take the blessings with the curses, for it is all the goodness of God, and recognizing that brings me joy. here are some thoughts and verses I was thinking on while creating...

Every moment I am not consumed with gratitude of amazing grace, is a moment of carnal worship to one of my brazen idols...'selfishness', 'pride', 'clean house', 'efficiency' they have many names.But...

 “Those who regard vain idols
Forsake their own source of mercy,
⁹ But I will sacrifice to You
With the voice of thanksgiving.
That which I have vowed I will pay.
Salvation is from the Lord.”

I will not forsake my own source of mercy, I will not forsake your love Oh God, help me each second to truly see your raw goodness. That I may be like your Son...

who on His last free night before he died....

 ^3" kowing that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God..."

didn't give a speech, have a party, or celebrate his life...

 ...but washed  feet.

have me live the moments raining down, every tear, blade of grass, every smile as if they were my last moment of precious earth gift,

Being one with you, I would use that alabaster jar moment, to wash your feet, the feet of the least of your brothers and sisters, as unto you.

In Sickness unto Perfection

We have had quite the season of sickness in our house this season. I started towards the end of August where I was struggling with something called adrenal fatigue, a silly term just meaning that you body stops working correctly after prolonged periods of stress. Life never slowed down, then I found out I was pregnant, and then life become a string of a few gastrointestinal viruses, flu, and colds for each member of the family while I myself was battling first trimester nausea, anemia and all that jazz. 

Are you thinking poor us? I certainly was. 

After so many terrible nights with medicine in a different language and chills and barfing, I started to be a little annoyed, angry even. "Really God?" what next, but the hits just kept on coming. More days out more sickness. more NOTHING. 

more bitterness, more quiet anger seething below the surface, then I figured subduing the anger wasn't helping, so I told God what I thought of His plan of the last 3 months. Then that strong calm peaceful whisper asked. 

"Why are you really angry?"

"~um, because I am sick, well not really. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with sickness, umm...Because well, I want to, um do things for you, and I can't,  you know I want to serve you and stuff but all I can do is lay in bed.~"

So I was angry at the creator for allowing me to be sick because I wanted to love him better?

No. I was angry because I still only want to serve God MY WAY. the way that feels good TO ME, the way that I can slip small slivers of self righteous works based gratification in there. 

My purpose in the whole wide beautiful earth is to love God and enjoy Him forever, to be deeply satisfied in him that I can sing, that I can LIVE in His glory till the end of my days...

God's will and purpose for my existence can be done from a sick bed as well as any other place. 

I am always so very focused on the outward appearance, the Lord is always only after MY HEART. If He is most glorified when I am most satisfied in Him, then a spirit filled cancer patient singing hymns on his 9th round of chemo is amazingly and utterly pleasing to the Lord.

 Not some bitterness-harboring missionary mom.

He loves me so much, He is willing to watch me suffer, watch me sick, watch me rail against Him in horrid toddler like self righteous tantrums, that I may know Him more, commune with Him in the stillness of sickness. That I may learn to be content in all circumstances, acquainted with suffering, complete, not lacking anything. 

 References I Reference in this post: Philippians 3:10, James 1:4, 

Philippians 4:13, and Psalm 34, 1 Samuel 16:7

Perspective

I thought i owed to myself, the one I wrote the previous post to, an explanation. I am glad i wrote it, it was honestly where I was. But now...

Some Perspective.

After our emotional, spiritual and physical crash, I feel some perspective, some balance. 

Jesse has been gone for over a week at a leadership conference. I have been alone with the kids, (and ten weeks pregnant) and life is a little crazy, but overall. It has been renewing.

First, something has changed in the last few days with the kids. I spoke earlier about expectations and redefining them and the pain involved in that death. NOW I see that death, that pain, that season of hoplessness as God's ABOUNDING MERCY!

Being alone with my babies has humbled me, how much I have missed, how much training and shepherding was not happening. How my focus being divided constantly left them at the end of my priority list. I see that God was right. Who knew that my household was my mission field, I would NEVER had accepted that without the pain and perspective of the last year. He showed me that I cannot be the full-time career missionary mom in this season of our lives. Without the pain i would never have accepted that truth.

GOD's mercy was protecting me from a future broken life, possibly even  a fractured family in the end. 

The other thing, I think subconsciously I thought 'missions' did this to me, made me this cynical and broken person, but the truth is HERE. I was always this person, hard circumstances just brought it out. I was always this self-righteous,  I just never had the missionary title to own up to it. 

Another one that was hard for me to accept. I could never understand why people's expectations here and not meeting them bothered me so mush, I NEVER cared what people thought of me in America. Now i realize, I really have always cared what people think, I have always cared about others expectations. I was just so used to unconditional love from my family and friends back home, that I never had to question myself. I have always met others expectation of others so well, That made me believe I was born confident, but actually, I was NURTURED into confidence.

 Now, I feel constant pain in disappointing others, what happened? why do I care SO MUCH? Because my security before came from 'removable things' and when my friends and family were  were removed from my life, I was thrown off center.

I was always the insecure, disappointed girl in that last post, but now I am 27 and in God's mercy, he is revealing my OLD self to me. The huge gaps in my spiritual armor.

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So where is the hope? I have been asking myself that question, last time all I could see was heaven was the hope, but there is something I see now that is a little sooner. 

The NEW Self, I have been bought, I am promised abundant life. I am promised love, joy, and peace. Leaning into this unseen promise in a world of hurt with a still broken heart feel like delusion, but it also feels like experiencing true faith, deeper then ever before.

Advice to myself as a first term missionary : Three Hard Truths

Spoiler: this is a very dreary post. Maybe I will look back in another year and think, "holy crap, was I ever that low?" Unless you are or will head into overseas ministry, don't bother!

Dear Me,

You sought advice from EVERYONE I knew who had experience before you came. They were all spot on. They even knew EXACTLY that type A's like you usually burn themselves out. You were so eager, and tried so hard to live by their advice.  But here is the scoop from me. Yourself...

August was our 12th month here. EVERYONE told you the first year would be hard, you cannot imagine HOW hard it will be. They year was weariness upon weariness. Bone tired and weary for a days at a time all I could do was sleep. We went through a little depression, a little insanity. It was really, really  bad. We just woke and survived 'did ministry' for three weeks till my parents got here. My body so far past adrenal exhaustion. It was completely absurd. then... 

My parents took us on a week cruise through the Eastern Mediterranean. It was magical and escaping.

When we got back, I had to go to the grocery store. I cried all the way home. In some ways I feel just as weary as I did before we left. But I have a bit of perspective now so I can write to you 3 hard truths.

Hard truth 1. Take your expectations  FROM EVERY SINGLE AREA OF YOUR LIFE. Think hard. what do you expect from your home? clean water?  Electricity? Ability to have dry sheets? kids not suffering from fleas? healthy meals? Guidance, leadership? Spiritual closeness?  Get very detailed. Put them in categories... 1. God & Self, 2.marriage, 3. kids, 4. home, 5. team, 6. supporters 7. language 8. ministry. 

Take that list and then eliminate half of the things on it. 

Then take that list and eliminate half again. 

Say out loud all the things you WILL NOT accomplish or have. "I will not have a insect-free house, I will not accomplish satisfying 'ministry", "I will not learn the language". 

Cry about it now. yell at God now. If you think you came across the ocean to minister, then know that if THAT PRIORITY survived in the expectation 3/4ths elimination slash fest, I am very afraid of what else you did sacrifice. 

You will sacrifice the wrong things this year.

Hard truth 2.

You will not accept truth number 1. You can't. I spent the last 26 year being able to function, YOU HAVE NO IDEA what you expect. I never knew I expected dry sheets. I never even thought about it. Letting go of expectations you do not know you have is impossible. Impossible without prolonged experience of the reality of cross-cultural living, without perpetual disappointment, you will not accept the truth. 

IN ALL THE MADNESS, please let 'being a good missionary' go. Remember your priorities...God, then Self, Marriage,  Kids, Home, Internal  ministries, External Ministries. HONOR the priorities paradigm you set up. YOU won't, but I am supposed to tell you to anyways. 

Please listen to God's direction. 

PLEASE , Please  take time for yourself. 

Please invest in that amazing man you have been honored to honor.

Sing and dance with those babies every night.

This means saying NO to the sad starving woman at the door.

This means saying NO know when the new believers are asking for discipleship.

This means saying NO to hanging out with those beautiful brave youth who are following God in spite of everything and need encouragement.

This means saying NO to what most people want and expect from you as a missionary. 

This means disappointing most people around you.

These truths are essential, and living them out come with a deep anguish and pain about how incapable you are. This type of pain will lead you to a deeper understanding of grace. A deeper need for God,  A deep humility born out of humiliation. A deep longing for heaven. A year in and I have no idea if it is all worth it. I will get back to you on that.

Hard Truth #3

Others have expectations of you too, before you even got here. YOU WILL ALSO DISAPPOINT THEM, they will be mean.

People will hurt you a lot. More deeply then you every thought possible. People who are Christians, who are on your side. They will say things to you that sting so deeply you will not know how to process the disappointment. 

I don't have any advice on the 'mean people' thing but a few REALLY TRUE clichés:"Haters gonna hate","hurt people hurt people" AND Keep your eyes on JESUS!

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POSTSCRIPT:
 Why the pain?
and
1 year later

dan·gle

1. To hang loosely and swing or sway to and fro.

2. To be a hanger-on.

This is me, God is the Belrog. Except I have been dangling a year, I will not let something go. I will not give up this ideal of what it means to be a missionary. WILL NOT.

When we got here, I begged and pleaded with God to give me direction, to give me focus, there were too many needs, "God, I go where you send me, I am here, what do you want me to do?"

He said, make your home a sanctuary. I thought this was like a step one, two, three, thing, so I painted, TLC'ed and waited for something else. Silence.

"done, God, what's next?"

Silence. 

I know what it means, I know somewhere in my soul the truth, that this isn't a task, that this 'home sanctuary' thing isn't something to be checked off, it's a lifestyle, it's truly laying down my life, my image, my effectiveness, my control, MY GRIP, with no QUANTITAVIVE data to back it up.

 It's HOLY ORDERS. the kind that last a lifetime. The thought terrifies me...There may not be a step two. 

 But I rage against it. why? because a stubbornly chant

"I did not move across the globe to be a housewife!"

God whispers, "what if you did?"

"Why would you bring me here to JUST wipe noses and love on my children, and serve Jesse, seriously God I could have done that more efficiently in America."

I had no problem with this 'housewife' thing in the states. It's the 'missionary title' thing that keeps freaking me out. 

"My JOB is to impact, seriously God, people donate money! this is serious!"

Silence.

I'm dangling, the struggle for my life.

He really wants me to let go of this image of what I think I must be. He really wants to write my story,  wants me to fall into his grace, wants me to believe He is enough. 

"like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like."

He has also promised other things, impacting things, epic things. 

But I struggle to trust THIS plan. I CANNOT  not see this command leading to that promise, I CANNOT see how walking and playing a horn around these walls is going to bring them down. walking is playing a horn is not an effective military strategy, and cooking breakfast and tickling my kids does not lead to missionary impact. I CANNOT SEE it. 

"Blessed is he who has not seen, but believes anyway."

preach it James...

But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

I think maybe God might have to pull a Jacob and literally come down here and fight me on this one.

Extreme Couponing - Hebrew Style

I love budgeting, the cold hard accuracy and predictability of numbers really appeals to my personality. You can always count on numbers. 

'We' paid off 30,000 dollars in student loans in a year and a half, it made no sense, we lived off less then we paid off, and I'll be honest, I 'gave' the glory to God, but I felt like a rock star. Maybe I could have my own reality show?

Pride.

When we moved to Montenegro, everything was different. EVERYTHING. I had no reference for cheap, things that are cheap there are expensive here. I struggled to make it all work on our missionary budget. Finally, I had to tell our organization. I could not crunch these numbers, we needed at least 150.00 more Euros a month to make it through the winter. we needed more money....

I was crushed. CRUSHED.

Failure. 

It's was awful feeling.Vulnerability, humiliation, shame, weakness, yuck. One of the worst weeks ever.

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Weird thing is...

I still PRIDE myself with my home economics, you should see my grocery spreadsheet, it's a thing of beauty, It even have a pie chart showing how much we spend on the various healthy food groups and which store each thing is cheapest. 

Basically I am an extreme coupon-er, Montenegrin style. 

My pie charts are the bomb-digity. 

Then something happened...I picked up my Bible today.

I was reading about the Israelites in the desert. They can't make it, there is not enough provision, they freak out and complain (sound familiar see above?). God provides them a fresh tasty breakfast in the form of Manna. Moses tells them GOD will provide every morning, don't save the bread. 

Then some of the 'Godly housewives' decide to get wise. What if the Mana doesn't come, what if there is  storm, what  if their baby gets hungry in the middle of the night. The keep some just in case.

This was rebellion. 

That spoke to me.

God turned the His provision to maggots the next morning. God is out for His Glory.

 Sometimes he makes us vulnerable and hungry so we must rely on Him. We don't like the Vulnerability. So we make other plans. What if I keep extra savings, Coupons, clean eating meal list, (insert awesome housewife activity here) and forget that IN HIM all things are held together. (col. 1:17)

My clean eating, budget cautious, gardener missionary self or the 5 Big Macs a week mother, same standing before the father...REDEMED

I am not saying that good stewardship is bad. I am saying that if THAT speaks louder then Jesus in your life. ..

its all the 'bad' stuff' they warned us about in the new testament...

It's self righteousness, false teaching, heresy, Boasting, Desiring the Praise of Men, Emulations: Ambition to excel, Greediness, Idolatry (Loving someone or something more than God.) Inventors of Evil Things (Those who contrive evil ways to satisfy their carnal lusts).  Laying Up Treasures on Earth (Pursuing material success at the expense of spiritual things).  Puffed Up (Overestimating of one's ability or knowledge)  Trusting in Riches,  False humility. 

God HATES it.

 Satan will use ANYTHING to take our eyes of Jesus perfect provision. 

I want to be the Israelite chick who gathers her Manna everyday with a song of thanksgiving 

"Jehovah Jireh, my provider. Your grace is sufficient for me"

There is one thing I desire
One thing I seek
To hide in You, abide in You
I'm Yours for You to keep

You prepare a table for me
You're my portion and my cup
You are the source of strength
Lord, You have filled me up

Song Here