She Must and Shall Go Free

August 2012

We were sitting in trailer in Denmark, at a seminar called "How to Avoid Burnout". We were on our way to our first term. My 1 month old gurgle echoing of the flimsy walls. The woman up front had my complete focus. she was talking about her experience with burnout a year or so earlier. she was a mother of 4 kids serving in the TUNISIA. She had pushed herself too far and was giving us all tips about how NOT to do that. 

I was all ears. I wrote everything down. I made lots of charts. this Burnout thing was not going to happen to me. This soldier was NOT going to get shell shocked. Then she opened it up for questions. Someone asked her "Have you recovered from your burnout?" 

She looked down and in a very sweet and serious voice said "No". 

well that's awkward. Not healed after over a year???? What illness takes years to heal? Don't we work for God? Isn't our spiritual health insurance supposed to be, well supernatural? 

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 August 2013 

I don't know if I am officially burned out, but the word meltdown certainly comes to mind... Read here. 

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August 2014 

I read these words, they seem so blunt, the worlds of a woman barley surviving, the words almost feverish. A lot has happened since this post a year ago. 

HEALING is SLOW but she is also RELENTLESS, because she is birthed from Christ provision. She Must and Shall Go Free. We are still recovering.

It started by moving houses. It was a hard decision at the time, it symbolized me letting God put to death many of the expectations I had of myself. so I cried for like 2 days. 

2 months after we moved in we realized this land was the property we had driven by 5 months before...It was a sunny day in June, we saw the Vineyards and the rolling fields with terracotta roofs, we were getting a little stir crazy in our apartment block and I looked at Jesse and said, "wouldn't that be a beautiful place to live?" Then I had a deep sense of peace and said, "God will give us what we need, exactly when we need it". 

 That was before things got really bad, and can you believe it, 5 months later we are in this house, here next to that same vineyard, we didn't even realize it in the craziness of the move. 

Death, then a hidden blessing, 

Death to self, then God's provision of promises that seemed forsaken pour out into our lives. 

I'm not going to say it got all better after that. Our bodies were worn down, immune systems shot, but we began to take rest, like God commands Isaiah, Resting it is an intense move in the spiritual realm. We slowly started over. We slowly redefined what defined us... 

Not being Missionaries, but Being Forgiven. 

Not being saviors, but being apart of God's church, delinquent bride that she is.  

God seemed to restore tenfold what was lost. I settled into my role as a homemaker, 4 months later I was making tortillas, pies, and pizza from scratch, loving on the babies, supporting Jesse as he began to process the hurts, sharing my story with others. Life slowly began to seep back into my veins. 

Then it was time to head back to America to have baby Logan.

I struggled so badly with Anemia in the third trimester, the last 2 weeks before we left, i rested just to make sure I could make the plane trip, America was a whirlwind of debrief, labor, newborn, and tons of support meeting with our now three kids three and under. God again showing Hos relentless provision. 

We are back for our second term. I truly seems so different this time. Our first term, it felt like the enemy had his way with me stabbing me repeatedly where my armor was weak, my identity in Christ. 

Now when he strikes, it is still very real, but I parry the blow with God's truth. 

I am enough because Christ is enough. 

I sing the song of 'It's Enough' to myself multiple times a day...

I spend 2 hours getting the mold out of a toy the baby looses interest in the next day, 'It's Enough'

Jesse spent 2 full days just trying to pay our power bill. 'It's enough'

When I sweep the floor again. 'I'm enough'

Why? Not because it's quantitative, not because there will be a big payoff later (like hundreds accepting Christ because we were patient enough to pay our power bill)

 but because...

Christ is Enough. 

He pours out his abundant righteousness on our lives.

We NEVER mature PAST the Gospel

We must sing it over ourselves every day. 

We must, because honestly, we are still recovering from that first year.