Dear Me,
You sought advice from EVERYONE I knew who had experience
before you came. They were all spot on. They even knew EXACTLY that type A's
like you usually burn themselves out. You were so eager, and tried so hard to
live by their advice. But here is the
scoop from me. Yourself...
August was our 12th month here. EVERYONE told you the first
year would be hard, you cannot imagine HOW hard it will be. They year was
weariness upon weariness. Bone tired and weary for a days at a time all I could
do was sleep. We went through a little depression, a little insanity. It was
really, really bad. We just woke and
survived 'did ministry' for three weeks till my parents got here. My body so
far past adrenal exhaustion. It was completely absurd. then...
My parents took us on a week cruise through the Eastern
Mediterranean. It was magical and escaping.
When we got back, I had to go to the grocery store. I cried
all the way home. In some ways I feel just as weary as I did before we left.
But I have a bit of perspective now so I can write to you 3 hard truths.
Hard truth 1. Take your expectations FROM EVERY SINGLE AREA OF YOUR LIFE. Think
hard. what do you expect from your home? clean water? Electricity? Ability to have dry sheets? kids
not suffering from fleas? healthy meals? Guidance, leadership? Spiritual
closeness? Get very detailed. Put them
in categories... 1. God & Self, 2.marriage, 3. kids, 4. home, 5. team, 6.
supporters 7. language 8. ministry.
Take that list and then eliminate half of the things on it.
Then take that list and eliminate half again.
Say out loud all the things you WILL NOT accomplish or have.
"I will not have a insect-free house, I will not accomplish satisfying 'ministry", "I will not learn the language".
Cry about it now. yell at God now. If you think you came across the ocean to
minister, then know that if THAT PRIORITY survived in the expectation 3/4ths elimination
slash fest, I am very afraid of what else you did sacrifice.
You will sacrifice
the wrong things this year.
Hard truth 2.
You will not accept truth number 1. You can't. I spent the
last 26 year being able to function, YOU HAVE NO IDEA what you expect. I never
knew I expected dry sheets. I never even thought about it. Letting go of expectations
you do not know you have is impossible. Impossible without prolonged experience
of the reality of cross-cultural living, without perpetual disappointment, you
will not accept the truth.
IN ALL THE MADNESS, please let 'being a good missionary' go.
Remember your priorities...God, then Self,
Marriage, Kids, Home, Internal ministries, External Ministries. HONOR the
priorities paradigm you set up. YOU won't, but I am supposed to tell you to
anyways.
Please listen to God's
direction.
PLEASE , Please take time for yourself.
Please invest in that
amazing man you have been honored to honor.
Sing and dance with
those babies every night.
This means saying NO to the sad starving woman at the door.
This means saying NO know when the new believers are asking
for discipleship.
This means saying NO to hanging out with those beautiful
brave youth who are following God in spite of everything and need encouragement.
This means saying NO to what most people want and expect
from you as a missionary.
This means disappointing most people around you.
These truths are essential, and living them out come with a
deep anguish and pain about how incapable you are. This type of pain will lead
you to a deeper understanding of grace.
A deeper need for God, A deep humility
born out of humiliation. A deep longing for heaven. A year in and I
have no idea if it is all worth it. I will get back to you on that.
Hard Truth #3
Others have expectations of you too, before you even got here.
YOU WILL ALSO DISAPPOINT THEM, they will be mean.
People will hurt you a lot. More deeply then you every
thought possible. People who are Christians, who are on your side. They will
say things to you that sting so deeply you will not know how to process the
disappointment.
I don't have any advice on the 'mean people' thing but a few
REALLY TRUE clichés:"Haters gonna hate","hurt people hurt people"
AND Keep your eyes on JESUS!
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hey Dre! was just catchin up on your blog here. always glean insight and encouragement from your honest sharing. many of the things your wrote made me smile a bit...though you are probably thinking "smiling at my suffering, how insensitive!" ...it's just that you articulate so well many of these challenges that lots of moms, lots of cross-cultural workers experience. see myself and others I know in your descriptions. I had some hints of the same trouble spots, but also many different ones that you wrote about.
ReplyDeleteit's so not easy and I get that. I hope you are encouraged to keep on doing just as you have resolved -- to love on Jesse and your babies in Montenegro.
Just saw this! I can definitely see why you would smile a bit (well, now i can, at the time i might have wanted to punch you). I can also imagine the thousands of cross-cultural moms who have gone before me. It is basically all very similar isn't it, not making the hurt less raw, but almost suprisingly numbing that the bone chilling hurt can be experienced by so many in obedience to God. As pathetic as it sounds, it does encourage me that these are age old struggles.
ReplyDeleteThanks for you honest post, Andrea. The expectations thing is a killer. You started this post by wondering how you would feel a year later, we're almost there. How are you feeling now? Did things get better or at least easier to process during the second year? I sincerely hope they have. Sending love from Indonesia!
ReplyDeletethank you
ReplyDeleteI will read and re-read your words here
in my last two weeks before departure
you have shared hard, but true, real
and that's what we all need!
Yes. So true. It is hard. Thank you for being real. And I will say on the flip-side, from someone who survived the first term and is back for her second- there are regrets on this side too. Like staying too safe. Like guarding the good too much and not letting that goodness spill over onto the world. There has to be a healthy middle ground somewhere, between self-preservation and full-tilt ministry and survival. Praying we all find it!
ReplyDeleteThat is an interesting perspective i have not thought of, thanks!
DeleteAnisha, Thanks for asking, Slow recovery. my last two blogs kinda sum it up a bit!
ReplyDeletehttp://jesse-dre.blogspot.com/2014/08/she-must-and-shall-go-free.html
http://jesse-dre.blogspot.com/2014/07/the-alter.html