Perspective

I thought i owed to myself, the one I wrote the previous post to, an explanation. I am glad i wrote it, it was honestly where I was. But now...

Some Perspective.

After our emotional, spiritual and physical crash, I feel some perspective, some balance. 

Jesse has been gone for over a week at a leadership conference. I have been alone with the kids, (and ten weeks pregnant) and life is a little crazy, but overall. It has been renewing.

First, something has changed in the last few days with the kids. I spoke earlier about expectations and redefining them and the pain involved in that death. NOW I see that death, that pain, that season of hoplessness as God's ABOUNDING MERCY!

Being alone with my babies has humbled me, how much I have missed, how much training and shepherding was not happening. How my focus being divided constantly left them at the end of my priority list. I see that God was right. Who knew that my household was my mission field, I would NEVER had accepted that without the pain and perspective of the last year. He showed me that I cannot be the full-time career missionary mom in this season of our lives. Without the pain i would never have accepted that truth.

GOD's mercy was protecting me from a future broken life, possibly even  a fractured family in the end. 

The other thing, I think subconsciously I thought 'missions' did this to me, made me this cynical and broken person, but the truth is HERE. I was always this person, hard circumstances just brought it out. I was always this self-righteous,  I just never had the missionary title to own up to it. 

Another one that was hard for me to accept. I could never understand why people's expectations here and not meeting them bothered me so mush, I NEVER cared what people thought of me in America. Now i realize, I really have always cared what people think, I have always cared about others expectations. I was just so used to unconditional love from my family and friends back home, that I never had to question myself. I have always met others expectation of others so well, That made me believe I was born confident, but actually, I was NURTURED into confidence.

 Now, I feel constant pain in disappointing others, what happened? why do I care SO MUCH? Because my security before came from 'removable things' and when my friends and family were  were removed from my life, I was thrown off center.

I was always the insecure, disappointed girl in that last post, but now I am 27 and in God's mercy, he is revealing my OLD self to me. The huge gaps in my spiritual armor.

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So where is the hope? I have been asking myself that question, last time all I could see was heaven was the hope, but there is something I see now that is a little sooner. 

The NEW Self, I have been bought, I am promised abundant life. I am promised love, joy, and peace. Leaning into this unseen promise in a world of hurt with a still broken heart feel like delusion, but it also feels like experiencing true faith, deeper then ever before.