God's mercy has continued to show me for myself, layers
apron layers of sin. He is always there to hold me through the tears, and to
comfort in the grief of loosing oneself, and always guiding me to hope in Him.
Recently God has layed bare another aspect of self I wasn't
even aware I had not subjected to Him.
My mind.
I asked God to show me why. This is what I observed...
The life of my mind is a world all its own. I have been
building this world for 26 years. I think, I reason, I frame arguments, I
build, I deconstruct lies, and conclude. I store information, experience, and
knowledge. This is my mind. It is a world almost isolated BY reason and
understanding. God's truth, word, and
character are allowed access into my brain in the form of information. As if
they are given a 'hearing' in a court case.
But. My mind is its own master.
I guard my precious
and long formed conclusions and my experiences with the ferocity of a dragon
sitting on useless treasure. I build identity in KNOWING things, in UNDERSTANDING
theology, in EXPERIENTIAL WISDOM. I try and use it to serve God, but make no
mistake, it belongs to me.
An example...
would be if someone
comments on the 'collective Church', and what it means to be evangelical. About
100 different triggers go off in my mind, experience I have had overseas,
discussions with catholic, orthodox, and protestant friends, articles I have
read, Bible verses, classes I have taken, books I have read.
OR
A pregnant woman says she is looking into making her home
more organic and natural before her baby comes and asks my advice. AGAIN, my
brain would think of 100 things to say, books to suggest, blogs to tell her
about, even scripture that I find particularly encouraging to me.
This is true of almost every interaction with everything and
everyone. It is kind of a big deal.
I stand on all these things, information, knowledge and
experience like they are ME, like they make my VOICE worth something. Like they
give me a meager standing amongst others. ISN'T this who I am GOD?
NO. I am redeemed. I am loved. I am
forgiven.
HE is WISDOM.
HE used foolishness.
He shames the wise.
If you think this is an exaggeration, it's not. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 1 Corinthians 1:27 I remember
passing over these verses thinking they applied to atheist who were trying to
push evolution in schools or something. They apply to my wisdom. Just like my
righteousness, it's all filthy rags.
So I now have a choice. Do I give my mind to God? Do I become foolish or keep my rags of
experience, knowledge and wisdom? Life or death? freedom or control.
I will be foolish. I claim to know nothing except Jesus
Christ and him crucified.
What does it mean to give my mind to him? I think I will be
spending the next 50 years figuring that out. For now it means not standing on
my own wisdom. I means NOT valuing my experience, it means not opening my mouth
because I think I KNOW something. But taking CAPTIVE EVERY THOUGHT and submitting
myself to God.
I have tried to practice this the last 2 weeks. It is
utterly shameful to see HOW often I display the fruit of my mind, rather than
the fruit of HIS SPIRIT.
Usually I am waiting for someone to stop talking, so I can say
something back. Now they stop talking, I stare, the silence is so awkward. What else
can I do but say "Can I pray for you then?" So awkward. I am becoming
that person. It even feels foolish, Feels like surrender. Eventually maybe it will feel like TRUE wisdom.
HE used foolishness.
He shames the wise.
Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
Psalm 51:6
