dan·gle

1. To hang loosely and swing or sway to and fro.

2. To be a hanger-on.

This is me, God is the Belrog. Except I have been dangling a year, I will not let something go. I will not give up this ideal of what it means to be a missionary. WILL NOT.

When we got here, I begged and pleaded with God to give me direction, to give me focus, there were too many needs, "God, I go where you send me, I am here, what do you want me to do?"

He said, make your home a sanctuary. I thought this was like a step one, two, three, thing, so I painted, TLC'ed and waited for something else. Silence.

"done, God, what's next?"

Silence. 

I know what it means, I know somewhere in my soul the truth, that this isn't a task, that this 'home sanctuary' thing isn't something to be checked off, it's a lifestyle, it's truly laying down my life, my image, my effectiveness, my control, MY GRIP, with no QUANTITAVIVE data to back it up.

 It's HOLY ORDERS. the kind that last a lifetime. The thought terrifies me...There may not be a step two. 

 But I rage against it. why? because a stubbornly chant

"I did not move across the globe to be a housewife!"

God whispers, "what if you did?"

"Why would you bring me here to JUST wipe noses and love on my children, and serve Jesse, seriously God I could have done that more efficiently in America."

I had no problem with this 'housewife' thing in the states. It's the 'missionary title' thing that keeps freaking me out. 

"My JOB is to impact, seriously God, people donate money! this is serious!"

Silence.

I'm dangling, the struggle for my life.

He really wants me to let go of this image of what I think I must be. He really wants to write my story,  wants me to fall into his grace, wants me to believe He is enough. 

"like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like."

He has also promised other things, impacting things, epic things. 

But I struggle to trust THIS plan. I CANNOT  not see this command leading to that promise, I CANNOT see how walking and playing a horn around these walls is going to bring them down. walking is playing a horn is not an effective military strategy, and cooking breakfast and tickling my kids does not lead to missionary impact. I CANNOT SEE it. 

"Blessed is he who has not seen, but believes anyway."

preach it James...

But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

I think maybe God might have to pull a Jacob and literally come down here and fight me on this one.

Extreme Couponing - Hebrew Style

I love budgeting, the cold hard accuracy and predictability of numbers really appeals to my personality. You can always count on numbers. 

'We' paid off 30,000 dollars in student loans in a year and a half, it made no sense, we lived off less then we paid off, and I'll be honest, I 'gave' the glory to God, but I felt like a rock star. Maybe I could have my own reality show?

Pride.

When we moved to Montenegro, everything was different. EVERYTHING. I had no reference for cheap, things that are cheap there are expensive here. I struggled to make it all work on our missionary budget. Finally, I had to tell our organization. I could not crunch these numbers, we needed at least 150.00 more Euros a month to make it through the winter. we needed more money....

I was crushed. CRUSHED.

Failure. 

It's was awful feeling.Vulnerability, humiliation, shame, weakness, yuck. One of the worst weeks ever.

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Weird thing is...

I still PRIDE myself with my home economics, you should see my grocery spreadsheet, it's a thing of beauty, It even have a pie chart showing how much we spend on the various healthy food groups and which store each thing is cheapest. 

Basically I am an extreme coupon-er, Montenegrin style. 

My pie charts are the bomb-digity. 

Then something happened...I picked up my Bible today.

I was reading about the Israelites in the desert. They can't make it, there is not enough provision, they freak out and complain (sound familiar see above?). God provides them a fresh tasty breakfast in the form of Manna. Moses tells them GOD will provide every morning, don't save the bread. 

Then some of the 'Godly housewives' decide to get wise. What if the Mana doesn't come, what if there is  storm, what  if their baby gets hungry in the middle of the night. The keep some just in case.

This was rebellion. 

That spoke to me.

God turned the His provision to maggots the next morning. God is out for His Glory.

 Sometimes he makes us vulnerable and hungry so we must rely on Him. We don't like the Vulnerability. So we make other plans. What if I keep extra savings, Coupons, clean eating meal list, (insert awesome housewife activity here) and forget that IN HIM all things are held together. (col. 1:17)

My clean eating, budget cautious, gardener missionary self or the 5 Big Macs a week mother, same standing before the father...REDEMED

I am not saying that good stewardship is bad. I am saying that if THAT speaks louder then Jesus in your life. ..

its all the 'bad' stuff' they warned us about in the new testament...

It's self righteousness, false teaching, heresy, Boasting, Desiring the Praise of Men, Emulations: Ambition to excel, Greediness, Idolatry (Loving someone or something more than God.) Inventors of Evil Things (Those who contrive evil ways to satisfy their carnal lusts).  Laying Up Treasures on Earth (Pursuing material success at the expense of spiritual things).  Puffed Up (Overestimating of one's ability or knowledge)  Trusting in Riches,  False humility. 

God HATES it.

 Satan will use ANYTHING to take our eyes of Jesus perfect provision. 

I want to be the Israelite chick who gathers her Manna everyday with a song of thanksgiving 

"Jehovah Jireh, my provider. Your grace is sufficient for me"

There is one thing I desire
One thing I seek
To hide in You, abide in You
I'm Yours for You to keep

You prepare a table for me
You're my portion and my cup
You are the source of strength
Lord, You have filled me up

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