Fighting for Hope

As usual. There are simply too many emotions and thoughts to sort through to write a cohesive blog on what it feels like to re-enter the US after ministry overseas.

Of course everything is shiny and beautiful, there is so much food, money, and affluence, so many smiles, so much joy. America the Beautiful. We actually ease drop conversations at restaurants and parks, and people are talking about the goodness of God, discipleship and ministry.

Surreal. How can God be so seemingly present in one place, and so not present in another.

I was going flower shopping with my mom and it came out...

"Why does it feel like Satan is winning in Montenegro?"

There it is. It goes beyond Starbucks, southern hospitality, huge grocery stores...

the INJUSTICE runs much deeper than convenience and good coffee... Why is it not fair, why do we have churches and grace and transformed lives, and Montenegro has

 Hopelessness.

even deeper...

realizing that hopelessness has buried it's seeds deep inside of my own soul. 

The battle ground isn't just for the hearts of the Montenegrins, The evil one is fighting for my heart too.

Songs and verses about world missions that used to inspire, leave me numb, jaded and insecure. I find myself in the deep places, when I let my southern smile fades and I am being authentic, I feel two main emotions.

SHAME.

I have been learning a lot about shame lately. Me and a few of my girlfriends are working through this book by Brene Brown called "Gifts of Imperfection". She was a shame researcher has studied tons of people and stories. Basically if you don't own up to shame, It owns you. So through that I have been owning what I feel ashamed of. What I let Satan tell me, and what I choose to believe. I feel more shame in the last 2 years then my previous 25 years. This is a great quote to sum up my last two years...

."The belief that everything should be fun, fast, and easy is inconsistent with hopeful thinking. It also sets us up for hopelessness. When we experience something that is difficult and requires significant time and effort, we are quick to think, This is supposed to be easy; it’s not worth the effort, or, This should be easier: it’s only hard and slow because I’m not good at it." -Brene Brown

I see so much darkness and need in Montenegro, so much I am so powerless to change, and all I can see is Failure.  Shame. 

and

ANGER. (towards God)

I know this emotion often masks the others, so when I really dig deep the two words I feel towards God in those quiet places "tricked and abandoned". But it feels like anger.

I practice gratitude, I sing, I pray, I read scripture... But under the surface my relationship to my heavenly father figure is embittered with feelings of trickery and abandonment.

It is a cycle of hopelessness. I bury feelings of Shame and Anger under happier things. I numb them with happier feelings, allowing me to maintain a semblance of a personal relationship with God. But true healing is being wholehearted with God trusting Him with the pain. Only He can release me from the ANGER, and only He can speak against those feelings of SHAME.

But I am afraid of him. Trusting when I feel abandoned and tricked. Today I went on a walk, I barely and bravely squeaked it out before the star-kindler...

I feel Tricked, Angry, and Abandoned by you.

I want you to heal me, I want to trust you.

The shortest most authentic prayer I have prayed in a while.

I want to believe He has a purpose.

I want to believe He is mighty to save in Montenegro.

I want to believe He is completing a good work in me. 

I feel flashes of hope in my heart, that fade quickly, a taste of what it feel like to Hope.
 I want it to all be true. But for now that's all there is.