Lost it

The reason I began this blog is because I wanted to be real. I saw this great divide between 'missionaries' and the general follower of Christ. I am very uncomfortable with this because, well, I am the biggest most selfish sinner in need of grace, and I wanted an outlet to communicate that: 'me'. Because in communicating me, weak me, stupid me, God gets the Glory.

I read a few books before i came, about the life of missionaries, how hard it is, that most burn out. When I say burn out, I don't mean simply throw in the towel and move back to America. I mean they suffer irrevocable emotional damage and are never the same again. This knowledge combined with being new missionaries on a new mission field, I felt like my own social experiment, observing myself as a case study of how this burn out could happen and trying to regulate stress like a heart monitor. 

I fancy myself a very intuitive self aware individual, I often express emotions as soon as they are felt. This is the first time in my life, I don't have a 'handle' on it. 'Stress' would manifest itself in the most peculiar ways. One night I thought I had burnt dinner, and I burst into tears, another night I had raging nightmares that I couldn't escape. 

Too much. My life is too different, my babies are too needy, my marriage needs to much quality time, the weather is too cold, training my 2 year old is too demanding, too much poverty, daily chores are too inconvenient, my house it too cold, my groceries are too expensive, our newsletter is too empty, this culture is too alien, the church expects too much, my organization is too distant, the people's hearts are too hard, too too much. 

I Lost it. 

Lost what? 

control? I never really have had that to begin with. I lost remembering that I have NO CONTROL. I lost perspective. He is the God of these people, my kids, my marriage, and my identity. 

What if I don't have time to be a 'good missionary' what if people think we are failures because we need so much time for our family? too much time in prayer? What if we need more money? 

What if I am weak?...

"...Then I am strong."

I lost trying to please God instead of men. I lost being of God, instead i was 'doing' for God, forgetting that...

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness - 2 Peter 1:3

To Our Supporters..."You will be enriched in everything"

One of the cool things church planting and being supported by others, is that we have such a connection with the emotional pitch of the new testament. Lately i have felt a deep resonance  with the gratitude St. Paul feels towards his supporters in the new testament, his words and thankfulness to God resonate so deeply.  Here is one such passage...

10Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness; 11you will be enriched in everything for all liberality, which through us is producing thanksgiving to God. 12For the ministry of this service is not only fully supplying the needs of the saints, but is also overflowing through many thanksgivings to God. 13Because of the proof given by this ministry, they will glorify God for your obedience to your confession of the gospel of Christ and for the liberality of your contribution to them and to all, 14while they also, by prayer on your behalf, yearn for you because of the surpassing grace of God in you. 15Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!  2 Corinthians 9

Biblically, you share in our blessings, you are destined to be 'enriched in everything' and also 'causing overflowing thanksgivings to God". That WORD is SO TRUE..I also wanted to share with you the fruits of your prayers that have filled my heart with thanksgiving! I have shared a few of these, and some people have commented that it is so nice that God has shown up 'in the little things'. I can tell you from my heart that do not consider one of these things little. The creator of the Universe loves me make himself present when I need Him, how could that be little? Maybe it takes being here to understand how much we rely on God's mercy every morning for everything, and how faithful He is every morning. It is a beautiful position to be in.

When our car broke down and we have no extra income to pay for it...one of our family members in the states sent us a check. Praise be to Him!

We have enough money, because of people's generosity to eat every morning, noon, and dinner, praise be to HIM.

When i was trying to sew a sleeping bag so Xander would stay warm and my sewing machine needle broke and I cant find one to replace it...our neighbor who is not even a Christian gives us his sons old clothes including 2 sleeping bags, one for Soren, one for Xander. Praise be to Him.

When we wake up in the morning ...53 families and individuals in the states are sacrificing financially so that we can be here. Praise Be to Him!

After a long dark night, the sun rises over the mountains. Praise be to Him.

When we feel a bit worthless and stupid as we are learning the language...God provides a conversation, a relationship, a person that reminds us that he has a wonderful plan for us here. Praise be to Him. 

When the babies are time consuming and we wonder why God called us here with 2 young children...the babies open up peoples hearts and doors the way we could never imagine. Praise be to Him.

when we are weary...He gives us rest. Praise be to Him.

When i am half a world away from my family...I still got to skype with my 11 hour old nephew Collis. Praise be to Him. 

Your prayers and resources make a HUGE difference!

“Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

It's a rainy cold day here in the land of the black mountains.

Last week I was trying to find potted herb plants for the windowsill because i am basically a hobbit, and find great joy in growing things. So after successfully finding basil, lavender and rosemary, I notice fresh cut parsley was in great abundance at the open market. Me and Jesse spent about 5 minuets trying to ask a woman if they sold live parsley plants using words like 'ground' 'big' and acting out the most absurd things. I am pretty sure they were completely confused. They did hand eventually hand us a parsley with the bare root still attached, it was dead, it was obvious the root is used for cooking something. 

So we bought it anyways. 20 cent for their 10 minutes of trying to understand the crazy foreigners. When I got home, I don't know any recipes that call for parsley root, so we laughed and stuck the dead root in the soil anyways. 

This rainy cold morning I noticed the brightest green fresh leaves amidst the yellow straw like shoots. 

It was beautiful; not the power of nature, but the power of God. A stunning reminder of my position before the father. I am full of self, dead, dried out, and useless. He is fresh and faithful every new morning. He brings the dead to life, he awakens our comma like souls, He alone has victory over death.

“Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

Two Months: Jesse's Reflections

When Andrea and I visited with you all sharing about our future endeavor, we had more than a few people think we were crazy at the thought of taking a two year old and a newborn overseas.  Although those of you who are parents of two or more children had a better idea what we were getting ourselves into, we just smiled and nodded.  

Someone asked me at that time if I could describe my life in a picture, what would it look like.  I described a path leading into the woods just before the dawn. The sun was beginning to peak over the mountains but had yet to illuminate the wood, leaving it still in darkness.  I feel conflicting emotions as I was about to take a step into those woods.  On the one hand: fear.  Not the kind of fear that you might be eaten by wolves, but the subtle fear that comes from the unknown and the mysterious, not knowing exactly where this path leads when I have my wife by my side and two kids on our backs.  On the other hand: thrill, knowing that soon the sun will surely rise and light up the forest and the path and that this path will lead us past beauty that we would not have known otherwise.  Can you picture it?

At that time, we didn't know what we were in for, but we did know two things.  1) That God had called us.  Any of you who have ever been called by God to some undertaking, whether it be to start a ministry, a different career path, or just to spend time with someone who was lonely, you know that to not answer the call would mean at best a feeling of regret and wondering "what might have been if I were faithful" and at worst a failure to fulfill the calling to which we were created.  God called, so we responded.  And 2) that God is faithful to those who are called according to His purpose.  Remembering this part was a little more difficult.  Answering the call takes faith, true, but it takes greater faith when you step out of the boat and see the wind and the waves and remember that God is faithful.  This moment came to us about 5 hours into our 10.5 hour flight to Europe when Soren was flailing around in Andrea's arms screaming "Mommy!  Mommy! Mommy!" as she was trying to constrain him so he would fall asleep.  Andrea was crying too and we just looked at each other thinking, "What in the world are we doing?"

After two very difficult weeks of training in Holland, here we are, several months later, living in a strange place that we now call home and we realize that its true: we are crazy.  Life would be difficult with a two year-old and a newborn in the states but here it is even more difficult.  Xander was sick and we could not find the things we knew would make him better, we don't know how to talk to anybody at the grocery store, and we were trying to buy a car in a dishonest culture who would love nothing more that to rip off foreigners.  But in light of all that, something else is true as well: GOD IS FAITHFUL.  Xander got better with the help of some other American missionaries who have been living here awhile, we got an amazing car that was exactly what we were looking for with the help of some local friends, and we've learned to laugh as we eat the mystery meat we bought at the grocery store.  He has given us many  blessings, like so much natural beauty untouched by human hands on our doorstep, a little baby who smiles at us every time we look at him, and of course, new friends.  I love languages and would sometime study them as a hobby, so for me learning the language is as fun as it is practical.  We have a beautiful home and get along so well with our co-workers.  We are quickly making friendships with local believers and we love the community mentality of this part of the world.  All in all, we are very happy here.  This happiness is brought on by enjoying God's blessings.  But I have to admit, it's more than happiness, deeper.  It's joy and peace.  A joy and a peace that comes from a deep sense of fulfillment in what God has called us to.  I was meant for this.

Who Am I?

A lot of people don't know this, but when a girl, i was actually shy, timid and quite fearful. My mom says that around the age of eleven, almost overnight I became brave and confident, and it has been that way since.

Now I find myself in this completely alien culture and there is a bit of a lost feeling. From the moment I was born I have picked up millions of cues about the culture around me about how to express myself to those around me. Subtle things like posture, facial expressions, and the colors you choose to wear all mean something in your community and culture around you.

Now, at the age of 26, I have hit the reset button. I am reduced to an infant. I don't know how to communicate anything verbally, or even worse non verbally. If you ask me who I am I would genuinely tell you I am creative, intelligent and confident. It hit me my first day here...I have no reference of how to communicate those aspect of myself to those around me. What I project as creative in America, could look normal, or even quirky in Montenegro. Even confidence will look different here. If I smile at people while on a walk, they think I am making fun of them, If i compliment someone's child, i am bringing a curse on them. If everyone around you perceives your actions differently that what you intend, friendly, confident, artistic,  after a while are you really still that person?

I the midst of an overwhelmingly lost feeling, I can find my anchor in who my maker says that I am...loved, cherished, redeemed and beautiful.  With Christ I walk boldly, knowing he is guiding my steps. He has given me identity cannot be lost, stolen, misunderstood or misplaced, it is simply truth. The anchor of the cross binds me to grace that bears peace that transcends space, time, perceptions, or circumstances.

Chasing Daylight- Be Courageous and Act

I wanted to write about faith.

If without it, it is impossible to pleases God. it must be very important.

How can we even have faith without the need for faith. If my life was free from uncomfortable situations I would be very far from God! It seems God likes to keep me close, and thus likes to challenge my faith. Some faith stretches are small...

 W were out in the back playing with Soren and saw one of our neighbors and said "zdravo". This may seem casual enough, but meeting people is a huge deal to me and Jesse because sharing the Gospel in this culture come out of relationships! The woman spoke a few English words and we scrambled around trying to communicate for about 2 minuets. We are separated by a tall 5 foot fence to which we don't have a key to, and suddenly this woman say "bebe" and reaches out for me to hand her my 6 week old Xander over the gate! There was a half second hesitation, and then, "OK God, this near stranger on the other side of this fence has your baby, what are you going to do about that"

Of course we knew this culture loves children, literally cherishes them and crimes are NEVER committed against children here, it is unheard of  (they think the US is barbaric in the consistency of crimes against children), but handing that lady my kid was still stretching! She of course loves and kissed him and handed him back over a few minuets later!

Other faith stretches are harder. Like trusting God with myself. 

I am so weak, so useless, and sometimes so disgustingly sinful, I doubt Gods ability to work through me, or more often am afraid to act not knowing if it's His 'Perfect will'. Sometimes we act like we should wait on God for a word or calling, when really He wants us to have faith and lovingly act in the obvious calling he has for us. I am married, I have children, I don't need a special word from the lord, I need to in faith act out the Gospel in my marriage and family.  

1 Chronicles 28: ¹⁰ Consider now, for the Lord has chosen you to build a house for the sanctuary; be courageous and act.”

We had this verse as a team Devotional and someone pointed out the word house seemed strange, so later I did this word study in the Hebrew trying to divine a hidden meaning that would give me some deep spiritual insight on what our teams vision for ministry should be here. After a few minuets I could only get that the Hebrew word for house in this context means...drum roll please....house. 

God was like,"no hidden meaning my child, your home is a sanctuary, I made you specifically and perfectly to be where you are, until I lead you to more, be courageous, act, make, do, create your home as a sanctuary!"

We don't have to keep questioning God

He is with us

we need to be 

courageous and act!