Lost it

The reason I began this blog is because I wanted to be real. I saw this great divide between 'missionaries' and the general follower of Christ. I am very uncomfortable with this because, well, I am the biggest most selfish sinner in need of grace, and I wanted an outlet to communicate that: 'me'. Because in communicating me, weak me, stupid me, God gets the Glory.

I read a few books before i came, about the life of missionaries, how hard it is, that most burn out. When I say burn out, I don't mean simply throw in the towel and move back to America. I mean they suffer irrevocable emotional damage and are never the same again. This knowledge combined with being new missionaries on a new mission field, I felt like my own social experiment, observing myself as a case study of how this burn out could happen and trying to regulate stress like a heart monitor. 

I fancy myself a very intuitive self aware individual, I often express emotions as soon as they are felt. This is the first time in my life, I don't have a 'handle' on it. 'Stress' would manifest itself in the most peculiar ways. One night I thought I had burnt dinner, and I burst into tears, another night I had raging nightmares that I couldn't escape. 

Too much. My life is too different, my babies are too needy, my marriage needs to much quality time, the weather is too cold, training my 2 year old is too demanding, too much poverty, daily chores are too inconvenient, my house it too cold, my groceries are too expensive, our newsletter is too empty, this culture is too alien, the church expects too much, my organization is too distant, the people's hearts are too hard, too too much. 

I Lost it. 

Lost what? 

control? I never really have had that to begin with. I lost remembering that I have NO CONTROL. I lost perspective. He is the God of these people, my kids, my marriage, and my identity. 

What if I don't have time to be a 'good missionary' what if people think we are failures because we need so much time for our family? too much time in prayer? What if we need more money? 

What if I am weak?...

"...Then I am strong."

I lost trying to please God instead of men. I lost being of God, instead i was 'doing' for God, forgetting that...

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness - 2 Peter 1:3