dan·gle

1. To hang loosely and swing or sway to and fro.

2. To be a hanger-on.

This is me, God is the Belrog. Except I have been dangling a year, I will not let something go. I will not give up this ideal of what it means to be a missionary. WILL NOT.

When we got here, I begged and pleaded with God to give me direction, to give me focus, there were too many needs, "God, I go where you send me, I am here, what do you want me to do?"

He said, make your home a sanctuary. I thought this was like a step one, two, three, thing, so I painted, TLC'ed and waited for something else. Silence.

"done, God, what's next?"

Silence. 

I know what it means, I know somewhere in my soul the truth, that this isn't a task, that this 'home sanctuary' thing isn't something to be checked off, it's a lifestyle, it's truly laying down my life, my image, my effectiveness, my control, MY GRIP, with no QUANTITAVIVE data to back it up.

 It's HOLY ORDERS. the kind that last a lifetime. The thought terrifies me...There may not be a step two. 

 But I rage against it. why? because a stubbornly chant

"I did not move across the globe to be a housewife!"

God whispers, "what if you did?"

"Why would you bring me here to JUST wipe noses and love on my children, and serve Jesse, seriously God I could have done that more efficiently in America."

I had no problem with this 'housewife' thing in the states. It's the 'missionary title' thing that keeps freaking me out. 

"My JOB is to impact, seriously God, people donate money! this is serious!"

Silence.

I'm dangling, the struggle for my life.

He really wants me to let go of this image of what I think I must be. He really wants to write my story,  wants me to fall into his grace, wants me to believe He is enough. 

"like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like."

He has also promised other things, impacting things, epic things. 

But I struggle to trust THIS plan. I CANNOT  not see this command leading to that promise, I CANNOT see how walking and playing a horn around these walls is going to bring them down. walking is playing a horn is not an effective military strategy, and cooking breakfast and tickling my kids does not lead to missionary impact. I CANNOT SEE it. 

"Blessed is he who has not seen, but believes anyway."

preach it James...

But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

I think maybe God might have to pull a Jacob and literally come down here and fight me on this one.