Foolishness

Obedience has brought me a place of need, need brought me to my savior. This season of my life has been so spiritually rich, in some ways poor, but rich in the only ways that matter.

God's mercy has continued to show me for myself, layers apron layers of sin. He is always there to hold me through the tears, and to comfort in the grief of loosing oneself, and always guiding me to hope in Him. 

Recently God has layed bare another aspect of self I wasn't even aware I had not subjected to Him. 

My mind.

Sometime last month, I began to see that the life of MY MIND did not yield the fruits of the spirit that God had blessed other parts of my life. After spending any amount of time in my brain, is saw greed, impatience, and abrasiveness. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. James 3:17

I asked God to show me why. This is what I observed...

The life of my mind is a world all its own. I have been building this world for 26 years. I think, I reason, I frame arguments, I build, I deconstruct lies, and conclude. I store information, experience, and knowledge. This is my mind. It is a world almost isolated BY reason and understanding.  God's truth, word, and character are allowed access into my brain in the form of information. As if they are given a 'hearing' in a court case. 

But. My mind is its own master. 

 I guard my precious and long formed conclusions and my experiences with the ferocity of a dragon sitting on useless treasure. I build  identity in KNOWING things, in UNDERSTANDING theology, in EXPERIENTIAL WISDOM. I try and use it to serve God, but make no mistake, it belongs to me.

 

An example...

 would be if someone comments on the 'collective Church', and what it means to be evangelical. About 100 different triggers go off in my mind, experience I have had overseas, discussions with catholic, orthodox, and protestant friends, articles I have read, Bible verses, classes I have taken, books I have read. 

OR

A pregnant woman says she is looking into making her home more organic and natural before her baby comes and asks my advice. AGAIN, my brain would think of 100 things to say, books to suggest, blogs to tell her about, even scripture that I find particularly encouraging to me. 

This is true of almost every interaction with everything and everyone. It is kind of a big deal.

I stand on all these things, information, knowledge and experience like they are ME, like they make my VOICE worth something. Like they give me a meager standing amongst others. ISN'T this who I am GOD?

NO. I am redeemed. I am loved. I am forgiven.

HE is WISDOM. 

HE used foolishness. 

He shames the wise. 

If you think this is an exaggeration, it's not. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 1 Corinthians 1:27 I remember passing over these verses thinking they applied to atheist who were trying to push evolution in schools or something. They apply to my wisdom. Just like my righteousness, it's all filthy rags.

So I now have a choice. Do I give my mind to God?  Do I become foolish or keep my rags of experience, knowledge and wisdom? Life or death? freedom or control.

I will be foolish. I claim to know nothing except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 

What does it mean to give my mind to him? I think I will be spending the next 50 years figuring that out. For now it means not standing on my own wisdom. I means NOT valuing my experience, it means not opening my mouth because I think I KNOW something. But taking CAPTIVE EVERY THOUGHT and submitting myself to God.  

I have tried to practice this the last 2 weeks. It is utterly shameful to see HOW often I display the fruit of my mind, rather than the fruit of HIS SPIRIT. 

Usually I am waiting for someone to stop talking, so I can say something back. Now they stop talking, I stare, the silence is so awkward. What else can I do but say "Can I pray for you then?" So awkward. I am becoming that person. It even feels foolish, Feels like surrender. Eventually maybe it will feel like TRUE wisdom.

HE used foolishness. 

He shames the wise. 

 

Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.

Psalm 51:6