I thought i owed to myself, the one I wrote the previous post to, an explanation. I am glad i wrote it, it was honestly where I was. But now...
Some Perspective.
After our emotional, spiritual and physical crash, I feel
some perspective, some balance.
Jesse has been gone for over a week at a leadership
conference. I have been alone with the kids, (and ten weeks pregnant) and life
is a little crazy, but overall. It has been renewing.
First, something has changed in the last few days with the
kids. I spoke earlier about expectations and redefining them and the pain
involved in that death. NOW I see that death, that pain, that season of hoplessness as God's ABOUNDING MERCY!
Being alone with my babies has humbled me, how much I have
missed, how much training and shepherding was not happening. How my focus being
divided constantly left them at the end of my priority list. I see that God was
right. Who knew that my household was my mission field, I would NEVER had
accepted that without the pain and perspective of the last year. He showed me
that I cannot be the full-time career missionary mom in this season of our lives. Without the pain i would never have accepted that truth.
GOD's mercy was protecting me from a future broken life,
possibly even a fractured family in the
end.
The other thing, I think subconsciously I thought 'missions'
did this to me, made me this cynical and broken person, but the truth is HERE.
I was always this person, hard circumstances just brought it out. I was always
this self-righteous, I just never had the missionary title to own up to it.
Another one that was hard for me to accept. I could never understand why people's expectations here and not meeting them bothered me so mush, I NEVER cared what people thought of me in America. Now i realize, I really have always
cared what people think, I have always cared about others expectations. I was
just so used to unconditional love from my family and friends back home, that I
never had to question myself. I have always met others expectation of others so well, That made me believe I was born confident, but actually, I was NURTURED into confidence.
Now, I feel constant pain in disappointing others, what happened? why do I care SO MUCH? Because my security before came
from 'removable things' and when my friends and family were were removed from my life, I was thrown off center.
I was always the insecure, disappointed girl in that last
post, but now I am 27 and in God's mercy, he is revealing my OLD self to me. The huge gaps in my spiritual armor.
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So where is the hope? I have been asking myself that
question, last time all I could see was heaven was the hope, but there is
something I see now that is a little sooner.
The NEW Self, I have been bought, I am promised abundant
life. I am promised love, joy, and peace. Leaning into this unseen promise in a world of hurt with
a still broken heart feel like delusion, but it also feels like experiencing true faith, deeper then ever before.
