Fighting for Hope

As usual. There are simply too many emotions and thoughts to sort through to write a cohesive blog on what it feels like to re-enter the US after ministry overseas.

Of course everything is shiny and beautiful, there is so much food, money, and affluence, so many smiles, so much joy. America the Beautiful. We actually ease drop conversations at restaurants and parks, and people are talking about the goodness of God, discipleship and ministry.

Surreal. How can God be so seemingly present in one place, and so not present in another.

I was going flower shopping with my mom and it came out...

"Why does it feel like Satan is winning in Montenegro?"

There it is. It goes beyond Starbucks, southern hospitality, huge grocery stores...

the INJUSTICE runs much deeper than convenience and good coffee... Why is it not fair, why do we have churches and grace and transformed lives, and Montenegro has

 Hopelessness.

even deeper...

realizing that hopelessness has buried it's seeds deep inside of my own soul. 

The battle ground isn't just for the hearts of the Montenegrins, The evil one is fighting for my heart too.

Songs and verses about world missions that used to inspire, leave me numb, jaded and insecure. I find myself in the deep places, when I let my southern smile fades and I am being authentic, I feel two main emotions.

SHAME.

I have been learning a lot about shame lately. Me and a few of my girlfriends are working through this book by Brene Brown called "Gifts of Imperfection". She was a shame researcher has studied tons of people and stories. Basically if you don't own up to shame, It owns you. So through that I have been owning what I feel ashamed of. What I let Satan tell me, and what I choose to believe. I feel more shame in the last 2 years then my previous 25 years. This is a great quote to sum up my last two years...

."The belief that everything should be fun, fast, and easy is inconsistent with hopeful thinking. It also sets us up for hopelessness. When we experience something that is difficult and requires significant time and effort, we are quick to think, This is supposed to be easy; it’s not worth the effort, or, This should be easier: it’s only hard and slow because I’m not good at it." -Brene Brown

I see so much darkness and need in Montenegro, so much I am so powerless to change, and all I can see is Failure.  Shame. 

and

ANGER. (towards God)

I know this emotion often masks the others, so when I really dig deep the two words I feel towards God in those quiet places "tricked and abandoned". But it feels like anger.

I practice gratitude, I sing, I pray, I read scripture... But under the surface my relationship to my heavenly father figure is embittered with feelings of trickery and abandonment.

It is a cycle of hopelessness. I bury feelings of Shame and Anger under happier things. I numb them with happier feelings, allowing me to maintain a semblance of a personal relationship with God. But true healing is being wholehearted with God trusting Him with the pain. Only He can release me from the ANGER, and only He can speak against those feelings of SHAME.

But I am afraid of him. Trusting when I feel abandoned and tricked. Today I went on a walk, I barely and bravely squeaked it out before the star-kindler...

I feel Tricked, Angry, and Abandoned by you.

I want you to heal me, I want to trust you.

The shortest most authentic prayer I have prayed in a while.

I want to believe He has a purpose.

I want to believe He is mighty to save in Montenegro.

I want to believe He is completing a good work in me. 

I feel flashes of hope in my heart, that fade quickly, a taste of what it feel like to Hope.
 I want it to all be true. But for now that's all there is.

To all the mothers wondering why they are mothers.

I just wanted to share something I find, EXTREMELY encouraging.

First, if you don't know me, let me explain. 

I never really imagined having a family. You know those girls who daydream about weddings and babies, not me. I am more of a Laura Croft/Buffy the vampire slayer kind of daydreamer. When God told me to open my heart and the next week I fell in love with this amazing man, we knew our path was truly anointed. 

Then we got married, had sex, and had babies. 

That's how it works folks, One day your day dreaming about being the 'Tomb Raider' missionary to Cambodia, then you have these little things following you around, consuming every second, not even letting you pee alone. It's crazy insane. 

I have always felt like other mom's had this cherishing ability that I did not possess. I imagine them cooing over their babies all morning, playing peek-a-boo for hours. I honestly cannot even stomach peek-a-boo for over 20 seconds. I did not even read books to Soren for a year because He didn't speak english and his books are BORING. That's me. Mothering is not natural for me, children are inefficient, and sticky...I am selfish and I want time for myself. 

That is my inevitable plight. God has placed me in a roll I feel completely weak and incapable of doing. I think sometimes, He is just screwing with me, but in truth, He wants to show me His wonder in my weakness... let me tell you the miracle of the last few months. 

We recently made a change in our family that I was the primary home maker and stay at home mom, This was not a 'heart's desire' kind of decisions, I fought it the whole way, but God's will, and the fact I have been purchased by His blood and all... I finally relented.

The last 3 years of motherhood, have almost been a battle of the wills, My will, Soren's will, Xander's will, but finally I at least submitted to God's will. And I want to tell you God has changed my heart. I cry as I type these words, they sound so hallmark-y, but they run so deep. He has changed me from who I was. Obedience has produced a new spirit in me. I am not sure when exactly it happened, but I LOVE being a mother, more than that...

I can feel God's love for my children flow through me. 

I will tell you the moment i realized it.

Xander has croup and has been barking like a seal for about a day. Jesse had already gone to bed and I hear Xander in his crib and cannot stop coughing. So I put on my thick slippers, wrap him up in a huge blanket. I cuddle the groggy little baby seal and we sit on the porch in the rain. I am singing and rubbing his back as the cool mist of the rainy night air fills his lungs and soothes his cough. 

An overwhelming joy for the moment fills my heart. He is so precious and the rain is so beautiful, and I GET TO sooth his cough, His baby hand on my shoulder are so precious, his wide eyes drinking me in are so beautiful...I begin to pray for the man he will be and praise God for the opportunity to be his mother...

I have been changed.

 This doesn't change much, I still need to devote most of my time to the basic needs of my kids, it is still often overwhelming, death of self will always be death, but it also changes everything, He has turned my heart of stone into soft flesh, fused me with contentment inside of death.

It changes everything, it changes me.

I love this past midnight moment, sitting in the cold, not sleeping...I have changed.

This is not me. This is God. This is not the natural love of a mother, I have felt that as well, this is a growing divine love inside my heart that God has for Xander. It will never tire or run dry, and I get to be the channel of that love.  

How Miraculous. God can change me! He can redeem my selfish desert soul and bless others. I can be an instrument for His peace, I can be an arbiter of His lover, a painter of His beauty. 

I cannot tell you when or how He does it. All I know is it is a change born between obedience and gratitude. I know it is all consuming. I know now I can be anything God calls me to be. I might be to my own children, or a ministry to street kids in the future, He can give me divine love, He can change my heart and all he requires if that I give him mine.

How miraculous.

bearing fruit...

Fruit bearing is kind of a big deal to Jesus. He talks about it all the time, grape vines, soil, grafting, lots of fruit stuff. He even curses a fig tree for not producing fruit, this is serious business.

                                                                             Andrea 2013

As I read through the plight of God's chosen, the Old testament offers an entirely new concept on fruit that never occurred to me before. The entire Jewish community was agrarian, when they had a bad year, they starved, they simply didn't cancel their cable and eat out less. their 'blessing' referred to food and child bearing. But every 7th year, they were commanded to leave the fields for an entire year! They could not touch, work or harvest anything for an entire year! I only garden for fun, and this would drive me insane.

All that beautiful fruit, sitting on the trees uneaten, all those grapes, rotting on the vines. 

This image horrifies me. HOW INEFFICIENT.

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I see two concepts here that I often forget. 

Missionaries have this really heretical problem, referring to 'fruit' as more people who have converted to Christianity or some other tangible thing. It makes us feel good, makes us feel productive, like all the effort and money are going somewhere. Moms like this too, we like all our effort, all out shoe-tying and meal planning to go somewhere. As a missionary mom, I see two misconceptions I allow my mind to fall into...

Misconception #1 - We produce tangible results.

I personally like to produce things, so the biblical concept of fruit bearing and my obsession with being productive I often forget this fruit is the fruit of the spirit, not clean house, a well weeded garden, healthy meal plan, or even new believers in our ministry.This fruit, this primary command of followers of Christ is only to bear the fruit of the Spirit. Not the 'fruits of the spirit' but one unified organic entity of love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, patience, and self-control. So...nothing that looks good on a chart, or can be programmed into our Google calendar. Nap times, rushed mornings, screaming children, selfish hearts, spaghetti on the floor. should my desire be to produce obedient children, order and cleanliness or a joyful heart amidst the life's inevitable mess?

"He is the vine and I am the branches, his banner over me is love."

Misconception #2 We are responsible for what happens to our fruit. 

What happens to all that fruit? Does patience and kindness at least result in my laundry getting done?  Are people encouraged by God's fruit I my life, do they now believe in Jesus? Does my life bring people closer to God? What is my responsibility WITH this fruit.

I believe the Sabbath year is teaching us that GOD not only produces the fruit, but is sovereign over harvest. That are Sabbath rest extends to trusting God with our 'life work' fully and completely.

Remember that fruit rotting on the vine? a command from the almighty! Sometimes the fruit will be visible, sometimes it will turn into beautiful food for someone, sometimes it will be a part of a greater recipe, sometimes it will give life fulfilling nourishment to others. BUT Sometimes it will just sit on the tree. Sometimes it will fall off and rot on the ground, sometimes it will go unnoticed decomposing in the summer heat. 

Horrifying and beautiful.

 As mom, sometimes my life feels flat, after sweeping the kitchen for the 3rd time that day, I feel it is FRUITLESS, God whispers to me the fruit isn't the clean floor, or happy kids, it is my heart, what is my heart doing while I sweep? 

Sometimes, even our 'spiritual' fruit of a calm spirit and patient training seems to go nowhere. We must trust God with the harvest. Trust that even as our fruit sits on the branch untouched, then falls the ground and rots, it nourishes the soil, decomposing it's life giving elements back into the soil to produce even more fruit.

We are only to remain in the vine and to bear His Fruit.

Grateful

 My first art journal creation. This is a great medium for me because I love layering textures, being random, and it does not take as long as some pieces I have tried to just paint, their is room for a lot of reflection, worship, and mistakes. This was made from '1000 gifts list' from the last year, as well as a  few verses, and representations of hardships this last year, for which I am learning to take the blessings with the curses, for it is all the goodness of God, and recognizing that brings me joy. here are some thoughts and verses I was thinking on while creating...

Every moment I am not consumed with gratitude of amazing grace, is a moment of carnal worship to one of my brazen idols...'selfishness', 'pride', 'clean house', 'efficiency' they have many names.But...

 “Those who regard vain idols
Forsake their own source of mercy,
⁹ But I will sacrifice to You
With the voice of thanksgiving.
That which I have vowed I will pay.
Salvation is from the Lord.”

I will not forsake my own source of mercy, I will not forsake your love Oh God, help me each second to truly see your raw goodness. That I may be like your Son...

who on His last free night before he died....

 ^3" kowing that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God..."

didn't give a speech, have a party, or celebrate his life...

 ...but washed  feet.

have me live the moments raining down, every tear, blade of grass, every smile as if they were my last moment of precious earth gift,

Being one with you, I would use that alabaster jar moment, to wash your feet, the feet of the least of your brothers and sisters, as unto you.

In Sickness unto Perfection

We have had quite the season of sickness in our house this season. I started towards the end of August where I was struggling with something called adrenal fatigue, a silly term just meaning that you body stops working correctly after prolonged periods of stress. Life never slowed down, then I found out I was pregnant, and then life become a string of a few gastrointestinal viruses, flu, and colds for each member of the family while I myself was battling first trimester nausea, anemia and all that jazz. 

Are you thinking poor us? I certainly was. 

After so many terrible nights with medicine in a different language and chills and barfing, I started to be a little annoyed, angry even. "Really God?" what next, but the hits just kept on coming. More days out more sickness. more NOTHING. 

more bitterness, more quiet anger seething below the surface, then I figured subduing the anger wasn't helping, so I told God what I thought of His plan of the last 3 months. Then that strong calm peaceful whisper asked. 

"Why are you really angry?"

"~um, because I am sick, well not really. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with sickness, umm...Because well, I want to, um do things for you, and I can't,  you know I want to serve you and stuff but all I can do is lay in bed.~"

So I was angry at the creator for allowing me to be sick because I wanted to love him better?

No. I was angry because I still only want to serve God MY WAY. the way that feels good TO ME, the way that I can slip small slivers of self righteous works based gratification in there. 

My purpose in the whole wide beautiful earth is to love God and enjoy Him forever, to be deeply satisfied in him that I can sing, that I can LIVE in His glory till the end of my days...

God's will and purpose for my existence can be done from a sick bed as well as any other place. 

I am always so very focused on the outward appearance, the Lord is always only after MY HEART. If He is most glorified when I am most satisfied in Him, then a spirit filled cancer patient singing hymns on his 9th round of chemo is amazingly and utterly pleasing to the Lord.

 Not some bitterness-harboring missionary mom.

He loves me so much, He is willing to watch me suffer, watch me sick, watch me rail against Him in horrid toddler like self righteous tantrums, that I may know Him more, commune with Him in the stillness of sickness. That I may learn to be content in all circumstances, acquainted with suffering, complete, not lacking anything. 

 References I Reference in this post: Philippians 3:10, James 1:4, 

Philippians 4:13, and Psalm 34, 1 Samuel 16:7

Perspective

I thought i owed to myself, the one I wrote the previous post to, an explanation. I am glad i wrote it, it was honestly where I was. But now...

Some Perspective.

After our emotional, spiritual and physical crash, I feel some perspective, some balance. 

Jesse has been gone for over a week at a leadership conference. I have been alone with the kids, (and ten weeks pregnant) and life is a little crazy, but overall. It has been renewing.

First, something has changed in the last few days with the kids. I spoke earlier about expectations and redefining them and the pain involved in that death. NOW I see that death, that pain, that season of hoplessness as God's ABOUNDING MERCY!

Being alone with my babies has humbled me, how much I have missed, how much training and shepherding was not happening. How my focus being divided constantly left them at the end of my priority list. I see that God was right. Who knew that my household was my mission field, I would NEVER had accepted that without the pain and perspective of the last year. He showed me that I cannot be the full-time career missionary mom in this season of our lives. Without the pain i would never have accepted that truth.

GOD's mercy was protecting me from a future broken life, possibly even  a fractured family in the end. 

The other thing, I think subconsciously I thought 'missions' did this to me, made me this cynical and broken person, but the truth is HERE. I was always this person, hard circumstances just brought it out. I was always this self-righteous,  I just never had the missionary title to own up to it. 

Another one that was hard for me to accept. I could never understand why people's expectations here and not meeting them bothered me so mush, I NEVER cared what people thought of me in America. Now i realize, I really have always cared what people think, I have always cared about others expectations. I was just so used to unconditional love from my family and friends back home, that I never had to question myself. I have always met others expectation of others so well, That made me believe I was born confident, but actually, I was NURTURED into confidence.

 Now, I feel constant pain in disappointing others, what happened? why do I care SO MUCH? Because my security before came from 'removable things' and when my friends and family were  were removed from my life, I was thrown off center.

I was always the insecure, disappointed girl in that last post, but now I am 27 and in God's mercy, he is revealing my OLD self to me. The huge gaps in my spiritual armor.

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So where is the hope? I have been asking myself that question, last time all I could see was heaven was the hope, but there is something I see now that is a little sooner. 

The NEW Self, I have been bought, I am promised abundant life. I am promised love, joy, and peace. Leaning into this unseen promise in a world of hurt with a still broken heart feel like delusion, but it also feels like experiencing true faith, deeper then ever before.

Advice to myself as a first term missionary : Three Hard Truths

Spoiler: this is a very dreary post. Maybe I will look back in another year and think, "holy crap, was I ever that low?" Unless you are or will head into overseas ministry, don't bother!

Dear Me,

You sought advice from EVERYONE I knew who had experience before you came. They were all spot on. They even knew EXACTLY that type A's like you usually burn themselves out. You were so eager, and tried so hard to live by their advice.  But here is the scoop from me. Yourself...

August was our 12th month here. EVERYONE told you the first year would be hard, you cannot imagine HOW hard it will be. They year was weariness upon weariness. Bone tired and weary for a days at a time all I could do was sleep. We went through a little depression, a little insanity. It was really, really  bad. We just woke and survived 'did ministry' for three weeks till my parents got here. My body so far past adrenal exhaustion. It was completely absurd. then... 

My parents took us on a week cruise through the Eastern Mediterranean. It was magical and escaping.

When we got back, I had to go to the grocery store. I cried all the way home. In some ways I feel just as weary as I did before we left. But I have a bit of perspective now so I can write to you 3 hard truths.

Hard truth 1. Take your expectations  FROM EVERY SINGLE AREA OF YOUR LIFE. Think hard. what do you expect from your home? clean water?  Electricity? Ability to have dry sheets? kids not suffering from fleas? healthy meals? Guidance, leadership? Spiritual closeness?  Get very detailed. Put them in categories... 1. God & Self, 2.marriage, 3. kids, 4. home, 5. team, 6. supporters 7. language 8. ministry. 

Take that list and then eliminate half of the things on it. 

Then take that list and eliminate half again. 

Say out loud all the things you WILL NOT accomplish or have. "I will not have a insect-free house, I will not accomplish satisfying 'ministry", "I will not learn the language". 

Cry about it now. yell at God now. If you think you came across the ocean to minister, then know that if THAT PRIORITY survived in the expectation 3/4ths elimination slash fest, I am very afraid of what else you did sacrifice. 

You will sacrifice the wrong things this year.

Hard truth 2.

You will not accept truth number 1. You can't. I spent the last 26 year being able to function, YOU HAVE NO IDEA what you expect. I never knew I expected dry sheets. I never even thought about it. Letting go of expectations you do not know you have is impossible. Impossible without prolonged experience of the reality of cross-cultural living, without perpetual disappointment, you will not accept the truth. 

IN ALL THE MADNESS, please let 'being a good missionary' go. Remember your priorities...God, then Self, Marriage,  Kids, Home, Internal  ministries, External Ministries. HONOR the priorities paradigm you set up. YOU won't, but I am supposed to tell you to anyways. 

Please listen to God's direction. 

PLEASE , Please  take time for yourself. 

Please invest in that amazing man you have been honored to honor.

Sing and dance with those babies every night.

This means saying NO to the sad starving woman at the door.

This means saying NO know when the new believers are asking for discipleship.

This means saying NO to hanging out with those beautiful brave youth who are following God in spite of everything and need encouragement.

This means saying NO to what most people want and expect from you as a missionary. 

This means disappointing most people around you.

These truths are essential, and living them out come with a deep anguish and pain about how incapable you are. This type of pain will lead you to a deeper understanding of grace. A deeper need for God,  A deep humility born out of humiliation. A deep longing for heaven. A year in and I have no idea if it is all worth it. I will get back to you on that.

Hard Truth #3

Others have expectations of you too, before you even got here. YOU WILL ALSO DISAPPOINT THEM, they will be mean.

People will hurt you a lot. More deeply then you every thought possible. People who are Christians, who are on your side. They will say things to you that sting so deeply you will not know how to process the disappointment. 

I don't have any advice on the 'mean people' thing but a few REALLY TRUE clichés:"Haters gonna hate","hurt people hurt people" AND Keep your eyes on JESUS!

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POSTSCRIPT:
 Why the pain?
and
1 year later