To all the mothers wondering why they are mothers.

I just wanted to share something I find, EXTREMELY encouraging.

First, if you don't know me, let me explain. 

I never really imagined having a family. You know those girls who daydream about weddings and babies, not me. I am more of a Laura Croft/Buffy the vampire slayer kind of daydreamer. When God told me to open my heart and the next week I fell in love with this amazing man, we knew our path was truly anointed. 

Then we got married, had sex, and had babies. 

That's how it works folks, One day your day dreaming about being the 'Tomb Raider' missionary to Cambodia, then you have these little things following you around, consuming every second, not even letting you pee alone. It's crazy insane. 

I have always felt like other mom's had this cherishing ability that I did not possess. I imagine them cooing over their babies all morning, playing peek-a-boo for hours. I honestly cannot even stomach peek-a-boo for over 20 seconds. I did not even read books to Soren for a year because He didn't speak english and his books are BORING. That's me. Mothering is not natural for me, children are inefficient, and sticky...I am selfish and I want time for myself. 

That is my inevitable plight. God has placed me in a roll I feel completely weak and incapable of doing. I think sometimes, He is just screwing with me, but in truth, He wants to show me His wonder in my weakness... let me tell you the miracle of the last few months. 

We recently made a change in our family that I was the primary home maker and stay at home mom, This was not a 'heart's desire' kind of decisions, I fought it the whole way, but God's will, and the fact I have been purchased by His blood and all... I finally relented.

The last 3 years of motherhood, have almost been a battle of the wills, My will, Soren's will, Xander's will, but finally I at least submitted to God's will. And I want to tell you God has changed my heart. I cry as I type these words, they sound so hallmark-y, but they run so deep. He has changed me from who I was. Obedience has produced a new spirit in me. I am not sure when exactly it happened, but I LOVE being a mother, more than that...

I can feel God's love for my children flow through me. 

I will tell you the moment i realized it.

Xander has croup and has been barking like a seal for about a day. Jesse had already gone to bed and I hear Xander in his crib and cannot stop coughing. So I put on my thick slippers, wrap him up in a huge blanket. I cuddle the groggy little baby seal and we sit on the porch in the rain. I am singing and rubbing his back as the cool mist of the rainy night air fills his lungs and soothes his cough. 

An overwhelming joy for the moment fills my heart. He is so precious and the rain is so beautiful, and I GET TO sooth his cough, His baby hand on my shoulder are so precious, his wide eyes drinking me in are so beautiful...I begin to pray for the man he will be and praise God for the opportunity to be his mother...

I have been changed.

 This doesn't change much, I still need to devote most of my time to the basic needs of my kids, it is still often overwhelming, death of self will always be death, but it also changes everything, He has turned my heart of stone into soft flesh, fused me with contentment inside of death.

It changes everything, it changes me.

I love this past midnight moment, sitting in the cold, not sleeping...I have changed.

This is not me. This is God. This is not the natural love of a mother, I have felt that as well, this is a growing divine love inside my heart that God has for Xander. It will never tire or run dry, and I get to be the channel of that love.  

How Miraculous. God can change me! He can redeem my selfish desert soul and bless others. I can be an instrument for His peace, I can be an arbiter of His lover, a painter of His beauty. 

I cannot tell you when or how He does it. All I know is it is a change born between obedience and gratitude. I know it is all consuming. I know now I can be anything God calls me to be. I might be to my own children, or a ministry to street kids in the future, He can give me divine love, He can change my heart and all he requires if that I give him mine.

How miraculous.