"I don't want to be blessed"

I said with sharp sincerity.

We were on the side of the road on a Sunday afternoon. I was having one of those frustrated mom breakdowns. We 'attempted' to visit the church in Bar, about an hour and 20 minute drive from our house. We arrived. The baby was fed, everyone looked relatively decent, church started at ten. 

As my four and two year old get shuffled into the children's program, I am holding the baby and I breathe a sigh of relief, I might actually get to sit through a service, and in English no less!

...then the baby starts crying, I walk to the kid's room to walk him around. That's when I see Xander (the two year old) gearing up for a wail. The entire children's lesson of about 10 kids and 3 adults stops, trying to consol the wailing cute kid. He is wailing 'mommy' so he is brought to me. while I am trying to get some logical soothing plan down he then screams 'daddy' and runs into the room where the service is and I cannot stop him because I am holding a baby, so we begin a one arm tug of war with screaming in front of the entire assembly until Jesse sees and runs to pick him up and take him out. we go back to the kid room, the entire kid program stops again to offer suggestions of how to sooth our hysterical 2-year old. 

We have managed to derail 2 church services in as many minutes. 

So we resort to crackers and a field outside. The baby is starting to get fussy and I don't have a stroller, so I resort to the old rocking the car seat to sleep method as I use the other hand to try and entertain the 2 year old.

I was angry. Why did I even leave the house today? Why am I stuck doing the ONLY job I hate all the time. I know this is mommy  blasphemy. But I would rather clean bathrooms or give an impromptu speech then try and keep a 2 year old and a baby happy. I HATE THIS. 

I was telling Jesse this an hour later as we sat under a tree eating our flaky meat pastry called Burek...

Why do other people's struggles seem 'uncomfortable' and I feel like I am often foaming at the mouth? It's not that I think my job is objectively harder, it is simply harder FOR ME. Like putting an art student in the army or a shy kid as class president. I SUCK AT THIS LITTLE KID THING. 

Why do other people 'use their spiritual gifts' to serve God, or 'honor God with their talents' while I seethe in the Montenegrin sun with little need factories that my own body created?

"Because God wants to bless you honey" my husband answers sincerely.

I know it's true, and I reply honestly..."I don't want to be blessed".

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It's the truth that defines every sin in my life. I don't want blessing. I want control. I want my story, not God's. 

Just the day before it happened again. throughout the day, if my temper is short, I think, "I will try and be nicer to Jesse today" after six years of this NOT WORKING AT ALL, I see that God does not honor my 'effort'. You see, what has happened to me, growing up in church, I just trade in mysuper ugly sins, for more culturally acceptable ones. So instead of being openly mean to my husband, I opt for self-righteous effort. Self-righteousness is always the sneakiest sin, that's why it lives in our churches. It is simply a fruit of my flesh putting on pretty clothes while it rots underneath. 

I have realized submitting my life to the spirit of God through the Gospel is the only thing that can change my heart, and then my behavior. 

"I should make an effort to be nicer to Jesse today"....The Spirit's reply...

"To do that you will have to submit your plans, your identity, your life to me so I can give it back to you producing a gratitude that will outshine the selfish, will outshine even the 'effort' out of your own heart"

pause.

"No thanks". I reply. I don't want to be nice THAT badly.

I don't want to be blessed.

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Our whole redemptive story hinges on us saying yes to Blessing, Yes to God.

Read this amplified version of 2 Corinthians 1:20...

²⁰ For as many as are the promises of God, they all find their Yes [answer] in Him [Christ]. For this reason we also utter the Amen (so be it) to God through Him [in His Person and by His agency] to the glory of God.

His promises and blessing are hidden in our 'yes' to Christ's gift, and our "so be it" to God the father's plan for us. 

We are all trying so incredibly hard to exist for our own glory.

Our search for self-identity consumes us, WE STRIVE, because striving is the only thing one solitary soul can do on its own without Identity in the I AM.

But, if we say yes to who He is, the Glory and Gift, we die to that solitary self perception.

Then, who we really are in Christ emerges from this 'Yes' to Christ and 'Amen' to the Story.

His story calls me out: It calls my well intended efforts, vanity, my 'ministry', idolatry, my death...necessary. 

The story that says my death is His Glory,

The story that loves me to death.

Do you want to be blessed?